A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla

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1. There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, “How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?” After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and […]...
2. Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling […]...
3. A bartender was getting ready to close for the night A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, “This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!” The scared bartender pleads, “Don’t shoot, please! I’ll do as you say!” The robber yells, “Shut […]...
4. My girlfriend is out in the car A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender […]...
5. Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little […]...
6. A man had been drinking at the bar for hours A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the […]...
7. I don’t owe anything for this drink The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, […]...
8. Too good to be true A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the customer, “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”...
9. The Insensitive Gorilla A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her […]...
10. A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. “Hi,” he said, “I’m new in town. Can I buy you a drink?” “Get lost,” she remarked, “I am Lesbian.” “Oh, really?” he asked, “How are things in Beiruit?”...
11. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates. “Fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”...
12. A guy in a bar The bartender asks him “What’ll you have?”. The guy answers, “A scotch, please”. The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars”, to which he replies “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this”. A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You […]...
13. A dangerous job This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. “Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks. “Boy,” is the man’s response. “Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,” says […]...
14. Two friends were out drinking Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. “One thing about Jim,” his buddy said to the bartender, “he knows when to stop.”...
15. The wife is not speaking to me One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a […]...
16. A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with “WWJD” printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for […]...
17. Jewish fly A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink….he notices that at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever seen….he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have her….He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any Spanish-fly in […]...
18. Значение идиомы sitting pretty [sitting pretty] {adj.}, {slang} To be in a lucky position. Thenew library is sitting pretty because a wealthy woman gave it $10,000worth of reference books. Mr. Jones was sitting pretty until his$25,000-a-year job was dropped by the company....
19. A farmer walked into an attorney office A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.” The attorney said, “well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, ” No, […]...
20. I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, “Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?” She said, “Do you like sex?” I said, “Of course I like sex.” She said, “Do you like to travel?” I said, “Yeah, I love to travel.” She said, “Then fuck […]...
21. You can’t bring that dog in this bar A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on […]...
22. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, […]...
23. Man and wife at the zoo It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one […]...
24. A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, “Lady, if […]...
25. Who keeps saying those things A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard […]...
26. A cowboy walked into a barber shop A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, […]...
27. The Pope took a philosophy professor The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the […]...
28. This pill allows you to fly A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if […]...
29. The story of a very short man A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his […]...
30. Drunk orders himself a beer A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could […]...
31. Clearing it A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops […]...
32. He is a very fast drinker A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?” The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and […]...
33. Double vodka A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodka.” The barman says “Wow! you must have had one really bad day.” “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.” The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same […]...
34. A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, “If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?” “Hell no!” the guy said. The stranger then asked, “If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used […]...
35. Clinton country A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go’s on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells, “There’s a horses ass” A guy gets up and punches him.. And the man left.. Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said […]...
36. A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened? The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, […]...
37. An Amazing Talking Dog A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.” Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.” Man: “What covers a house?” Dog: “Roof!” Man: “How does sandpaper feel?” Dog: “Rough!” Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?” Dog: “Ruth!” Man: […]...
38. Stupid people fearing WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind […]...
39. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a […]...
40. Beware of IRS The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the […]...