A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has

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1. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. “I won’t do it any more, Mom,” says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?” […]...
2. A girl runs home to her mother crying A girl runs home to her mother crying, “I can’t marry Joe! He’s an atheist! He doesn’t believe in God or Jesus or anything! “Don’t worry, Honey,” said her mom. “But Mom, he doesn’t even believe in Hell! “Don’t worry, Honey,” repeated her mom, “you marry him…and we’ll convince him!”...
3. Count till fifty The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like “cunt” and “cock” scrawled all over the blackboard. “Children,” she said, addressing the classroom, “you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we’re all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I […]...
4. Перевод слова efficient Efficient – эффективный, действенный, результативный, квалифицированный Перевод слова Efficient worker – знающий и энергичный работник efficient distribution – целесообразное распределение efficient communication – эффективная коммуникация efficient production – высокая производительность Our new air conditioner is more Efficient than our old one. Наш новый кондиционер гораздо эффективнее прежнего. She was very Efficient in reducing waste. Ей […]...
5. A mother-daughter conversation A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it’s like for her. Mom: So….now that you have started dating, what’s it like getting intimate with […]...
6. A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you […]...
7. The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor “Big Chief no fart.” The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, “Big Chief no fart.” The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him […]...
8. Значение идиомы working girl [working girl] {n.}, {slang} 1. Aprostitute. I didn’t know Roxanne was a working girl. 2. A girl, usually single, who supports herself by working in an honest job, suchas in an office, etc. The average working girl can’t afford such afancy car....
9. Chris Columbus Directed Home Alone Instead of Christmas Vacation Because He Met Chevy Chase James Hughes, son of the legendary writer and director John Hughes, put together an oral history of Home Alone for Chicago magazine. In it, he reveals how the film ultimately found its director, Chris Columbus. After directing the 1988 flop Heartbreak Hotel, Columbus was worried about finding a new directing gig. Which is part of […]...
10. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, “I did that by accident.” She replied, “I know that, daddy.” He replied, “How’d you know?” The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”...
11. On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks: Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee? Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date. The guy thinks for a minute and says: Well, what about the last date?...
12. Перевод слова honey Honey – мед, сладость, медовый, сладкий Перевод слова To remove honey from a hive – отбирать мед из улья he was all honey – он был приторно любезен honey cake – медовая коврижка honey sweet – сладкий как мед She likes Honey in her tea. Она любит чай с медом. She specializes in Honey bees. […]...
13. Translations for men These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say… “IT’S A GUY THING” Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Translated:* “Why […]...
14. A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. “Your organ,” she […]...
15. Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee’ called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. “Okay honey”, she told me, “Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the […]...
16. Working from a Home Office Adrina: So this is your new home office. It’s nice. Victor: It’s Functional, and I like it. When my company decided to lower its Overhead by Decentralizing, it gave employees the option to work from home. When I heard that, I didn’t Think twice about making the change. Adrina: I’m not surprised. Lots of people […]...
17. Перевод слова computer Computer – компьютер Перевод слова Personal computer – персональный компьютер all-purpose computer – многоцелевой компьютер to run a computer – работать на компьютере My Computer’s gone haywire. С моим комьютером происходит что-то неладное. My Computer went nuts on me. Мой компьютер стал выдавать мне какую-то ерунду. My Computer is working slow. Мой компьютер работает медленно. […]...
18. After the party, as the couple was driving home After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?” The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.” The wife yells, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”...
19. Being a Stay-at-Home Dad Gladys: Hi, Dan. I’m surprised to see you here at the supermarket in the middle of the day. Dan: Why? Gladys: I thought you’d be working. Dan: I am working. I’m a Stay-at-home dad and I take care of the kids while my wife goes to work. Gladys: Oh, did you get Laid off from […]...
20. Перевод слова secretary Secretary – секретарь Перевод слова Press secretary – пресс-секретарь executive secretary – ответственный секретарь chartered secretary – управляющий делами They traced the leak to a Secretary. Они выяснили, что утечка информации шла от секретарши. We require our Secretary to be on time. Мы требуем от нашего секретаря чтобы он приходил во время. She is a […]...
21. A woman comes home A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. “That’s terrible!!!” said her husband, “What would you like to do during your last hours? I’ll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.” “Well,” she said, “First, I want to […]...
22. Here is a free puppy The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, “Little girl, I think that it’s wonderful that you’re doing such a good thing.” The little girl says, “Thank you, Mr. Clinton. […]...
23. Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think […]...
24. A man escapes from prison A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of […]...
25. Using Renewable Energy Carl: Uh! What’s that smell? Jody: I’m working on my latest Invention. I’m turning our old food into an Energy source for our car and our house. Carl: Why? There are already lots of types of Renewable energy that power cars and homes, and none of them smell like this! Jody: Well, I think I’m […]...
26. Rejecting Newer Technology Darlene: Thanks for agreeing to take a look at my computer. It’s been Acting up lately. Chris: Sure, I don’t mind. Is this it? Darlene: Yeah. Chris: How long have you had this computer? It looks like it belongs in the Ice age. Darlene: I admit it’s a little Dated. I must be one of […]...
27. Application For Permission To Date My Daughter Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician. Name:______________________________________________________ Date of Birth:________________ Height:_____________________ Weight:______ IQ:___________________________ GPA:_____________ Social Security Number:_____ Driver’s License Number:______ Boy Scout Rank:_____________ Telephone:____________________ Home Address:______________________________________________ City:_______________________ State:________________________ Zip:_____________ 1.Do you have one male and one […]...
28. Surfing the Internet Isaiah: Aren’t you supposed to be working? Nancy: I just thought I would take a break and Surf the web a little. Isaiah: You’d better be careful which sites you visit. You know that Big Brother is watching. Nancy: The boss told us that, but I don’t believe it. They’re not going to care if […]...
29. Перевод слова closed Closed – закрытый, замкнутый Перевод слова Closed border – закрытая граница closed season – время, когда запрещена охота closed from below – замкнутый снизу Closed for inventory. Закрыто на учет. The office is Closed on weekends. Офис закрыт по выходным. Chemistry is a Closed book to me. Химия для меня – это закрытая книга. Происхождение […]...
30. It is worth trying A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.” […]...
31. Barbie and G. I. Joe A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G. I. Joe.” Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I […]...
32. It’s not a big deal, but it feels good A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: “Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She’s got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it’s not a big deal but it feels good.” The next day […]...
33. Some of the myths about marriage TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage… Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband says: “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional […]...
34. Значение идиомы eye [eye] See: APPLE OF ONE’S EYE, BAT AN EYE or BAT AN EYELASH, BELIEVE ONE’S EYES, CATCH ONE’S EYE, CLEAR-EYED, CLOSE ONE’S EYES orSHUT ONE’S EYES, EYES OPEN, EYE OUT, EYE TO, FEAST ONE’S EYES ON, FOUR-EYES, GET THE EYE, GIVE THE EYE, GREEN-EYED MONSTER, HALF AN EYE, HAVE AN EYE ON, HAVE EYES ONLY […]...
35. A customer walks into a pharmacy A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don’t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he […]...
36. An old man is sitting on the park bench crying An old man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another old man sits down next to him and says, “Mister, what’s the problem?” The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, “I’ve got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment […]...
37. What God looks like A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows […]...
38. Judy arrived home from her date Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time? “Oh”, sighed Judy, “I had a wonderful time.” “I thought as much”, her mother […]...
39. An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18 An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey”, said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No”, said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”...
40. Значение идиомы make eyes at [make eyes at] {v. phr.}, {informal} To look at a girl or boy in away that tries to attract him to you; flirt. The other girlsdisliked her way of making eyes at their boyfriends instead of findingone of her own....