A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven

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1. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accidentA lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. «Now, ... Читать далее...
2. Dealing with a lawyerA new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him «What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?» The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, «A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.» Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in ... Читать далее...
3. Pick Heaven or HellOne day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. «Welcome to Heaven,» said St. Peter. «Before you get settled in though, it seems we have ... Читать далее...
4. Fidel dies and goes to heavenFidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself ... Читать далее...
5. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly GatesRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
6. Qualifying for HeavenRecently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, «What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They ... Читать далее...
7. Marrying and divorcing in HeavenIt seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. ... Читать далее...
8. A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heavenA pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He’s stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: «You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in ... Читать далее...
9. Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiotThree men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. «Gentlemen,» the Devil started, «Due to the fact that ... Читать далее...
10. Accountant in HeavenAn accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, «I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a ... Читать далее...
11. Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. «Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?» «I was a policeman,» he responded. «What kind of policeman?» St Peter asked. «I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.» «Wonderful my son, ... Читать далее...
12. It finally happenedA man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, «I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?» So Saint Peter thought about it a ... Читать далее...
13. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of HeavenSt. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, «You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.» Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, «St. Peter, I spent ... Читать далее...
14. Baseball in HeavenTwo buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come ... Читать далее...
15. Get money to heavenA stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, «You can’t take it with you.» After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to ... Читать далее...
16. Entering into HeavenA man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, «Religion?» The man says, «Methodist.» St. Peter looks down his list, and says, «Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.» Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. «Religion?» «Baptist.» «Go to room 18, but be very quiet ... Читать далее...
17. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heavenFour nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.» St. Peter says:»You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.» The second says:»I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.» ... Читать далее...
18. Hillary goes to heavenHillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says «Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.» So Hillary sits down ... Читать далее...
19. Sister Margaret diedSister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, «This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!» She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it. The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. ... Читать далее...
20. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuitA big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace ... Читать далее...
21. Перевод слова lawyerLawyer — адвокат, юрист Перевод слова A lawyer by profession — юрист по профессии lawyer’s clients — клиенты адвоката lawyer practice, practice of law — юридическая практика You should see a Lawyer. Вы должны увидеться с адвокатом. You should talk to a Lawyer. Вам следует проконсультироваться с юристом. I got a letter from my Lawyer. ... Читать далее...
22. A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy manA lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, «There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.» «No problem,» ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова heavenHeaven — небеса, небо; царство небесное, рай Перевод слова The broad expanse of heaven — широкий свод небес a map of the heavens — карта звездного неба the kingdom of heaven — царство небесное The windows of Heaven opened. Разверзлись хляби небесные. Earth’s loveliness or Heaven’s sublimity. Красота земли или величавость небес. I would move ... Читать далее...
24. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heavenWhen the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. «Sorry, old man,» Peter said, «But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.» «Oh, yes. I’ll never ... Читать далее...
25. A man walked into a lawyer’s office andA man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates. «Fifty dollars for three questions,» replied the lawyer. «Isn’t that awfully steep?» asked the man. «Yes,» the lawyer replied, «and what was your third question?»...
26. Clinton is in HeavenPresident Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. «Who goes there?» inquired St. Peter. «It’s me, Bill Clinton». «What bad things did you do on earth?» Clinton thought a bit and answered, «Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit ... Читать далее...
27. Twenty men die and go to heavenTwenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives. After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first ... Читать далее...
28. The Road to HeavenA man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to ... Читать далее...
29. On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospitalOn visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible «What are you doing?» asked the friend. «Looking for loopholes,» repied the lawyer....
30. A priest and a lawyer are walking downA priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, «How’d you like to fuck that?» To which the lawyer replied, «Out of what?»...
31. A lawyer named Strange diedA lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, «Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.» The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: ... Читать далее...
32. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girlsThis elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, «cough drops» and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, «What are you doing here, m’am?» ... Читать далее...
33. Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. «Where do you live?» asked the operator. Bubba replied, «At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.» The operator asked, «Can you spell that for me?» There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, «How ... Читать далее...
34. Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife saidVisiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, «I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.» «What do you mean?» asked the attorney. «Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?» «No,» replied the ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы passed ball[passed ball] {n.} A pitched baseball missed by the catcher when heshould have been able to catch it. The batter singled and went tosecond on a passed ball....
36. A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights brokenA lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle, but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. «Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы seventh heaven[seventh heaven] {n. phr.}, {literary} The pinnacle of happiness. We were in seventh heaven when the helicopter flew us over themagnificent Grand Canyon....
38. Значение идиомы move heaven and earth[move heaven and earth] {v. phr.} To try every way; do everythingyou can. Joe moved heaven and earth to be sent to Washington. Compare: LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED....
39. Seymour was a good and pious manSeymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. «Hungry, Seymour?» the Lord asked. «I could eat,» said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and ... Читать далее...
40. Guy goes to hell and is met by the devilGuy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room ... Читать далее...