A fine sermon

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1. A preacher was completing a temperance sermonA preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, «If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.» With even greater emphasis he said, «And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.» ... Читать далее...
2. The HatAn elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit ... Читать далее...
3. The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermonThe minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone ... Читать далее...
4. The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherThe congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said «Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now.» More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their ... Читать далее...
5. An unfortunate coincidenceOne day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. «Reverend,» she said, «I have a problem—my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?» «I have an idea,» said the minister. «Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell ... Читать далее...
6. Kick-ass sermonA new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, » When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, ... Читать далее...
7. A lost skillThis preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. «This mower work, son?» the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, «Sure does — just pull on the cord hard, though.» The preacher took the mower home and when he got ... Читать далее...
8. Значение идиомы damned if one does, damned if one doesn’t[damned if one does, damned if one doesn’t] {adj. phr.} No matter what one does, someone is likely to criticize one. No matter what decisions I make, there are always some people who will approve them and those who won’t. It is a classical case of «damned if I do, damned if I don’t.»...
9. Значение идиомы fine feathers do not make fine birds[fine feathers do not make fine birds] {literary} A person whowears fine clothes may not be as good as he looks. — A proverb. Mary is pretty and she wears pretty clothes, but she is very mean. Fine feathers do not make fine birds. Compare: HANDSOME IS ASHANDSOME DOES....
10. We have new babiesFor weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about ... Читать далее...
11. On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the doorOn his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. «Would it be right,» he asked, «for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?» «Absolutely not!» replied the pastor. «In that case,» said the young man, «I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid ... Читать далее...
12. A fair offerOne day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his ... Читать далее...
13. On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their dailyOn the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other — a star of David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and ... Читать далее...
14. A man was leaving church one dayA man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, «You need to join the Army of the Lord!» The man replied, «I’m ... Читать далее...
15. The Preacher buys a ParrotA preacher is buying a parrot. «Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?» asked the preacher. «Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,» the storekeeper assures him. «Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he ... Читать далее...
16. The guide to wife translationsThe wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need ... Читать далее...
17. The wrong definitionWay down in the deep south, in an area known as the ‘Bible Belt,’ there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, «Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!» The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, «One of you, here ... Читать далее...
18. Перевод слова shakeShake — трясти, сотрясать; встряска, толчок Перевод слова A shake of the hands — рукопожатие to shake with cold — дрожать от холода to shake carpets — трясти ковры He Shook his black chevelure. Он тряхнул своей черной шевелюрой. Shake up the medicine before drinking it. Встряхните лекарство перед употреблением. She Shook him to wake ... Читать далее...
19. A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified toA wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод идиомы shake hands (with someone) / shake someone’s hand, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: shake hands (with someone) / shake someone’s hand Перевод: пожать кому-либо руку в качестве приветствия Пример: I shook hands with my neighbor when I first met him. Я пожал руку своему соседу, когда встретил его в первый раз....
21. The right rhythmOn hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, «He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.» Horrified, Katie told her ... Читать далее...
22. Once some boys got together to play pokerOnce some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack. All his friends didn’t know how ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова churchChurch — церковь Перевод слова To consecrate a church — освящать церковь to go into the church — принимать духовный сан as poor as a church mouse — бедный, как церковная мышь The Church burnt to the ground. Церковь сгорела дотла. It sounds like the Church bells. Похоже на перезвон колоколов. The Church is seeking ... Читать далее...
24. Love thy NeighborThe middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had ... Читать далее...
25. The approach of winterDec. 8 5:00 p. m. — It’s starting to snow, the first of the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful. Dec. 9 — We awoke to a big ... Читать далее...
26. The new hooker had just finished her first trickThe new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, «Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.» «Well? What did he want to do?» they all asked. She said, «I told him that a ... Читать далее...
27. Значение идиомы more than one could shake a stick at[more than one could shake a stick at] {adj. phr.}, {informal} Verymany; a great many; more than you can count. There were more peopleat the game than you could shake a stick at. I had moreassignments for homework than I could shake a stick at....
28. This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important toThis fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to ... Читать далее...
29. You know you are in a small townYou know you’re in a small town….. — when you don’t use turn signals because everybody knows where you’re going. — if you’re born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you’re the first baby of the year. — if you speak to each dog you pass, by name….. ... Читать далее...
30. Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf gameBill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game. And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play. Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now? Bob: Darts? Bill: Nah. Bob: Shoot some pool? Bill: Nah. Bob: Cards? Bill: Nah. Hey, I’ve got an ... Читать далее...
31. It’s a sin«I’ve had it with my wife.» said the one drinking buddy to the other. «I’m filing for an divorce.» «Sorry to hear that pal.» said his partner. «May I ask why?» «I found her supply of birth control pills.» said the first. «Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see ... Читать далее...
32. A ventriloquist was driving in the countryA ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm. He asked for and was given a tour. As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he’d have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk. The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the ... Читать далее...
33. Перевод слова impressImpress — производить впечатление; отпечаток, след Перевод слова Impress a design on metal — отчеканить рисунок на металле impress somebody favourably — произвести благоприятное впечатление to be impressed by a sight — быть под впечатлением зрелища She Impressed me with her grasp of the subject. Она поразила меня своим пониманием предмета. Father Impressed on me ... Читать далее...
34. Olympic condomsA man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he’s just made. «Olympic condoms?» she blurts, «What makes them so special?» «There are three colors,» he explains, «gold, silver and bronze.» «So what color ... Читать далее...
35. Перевод идиомы at hand / on hand, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: at hand / on hand Перевод: под рукой, рядом, в пределах досягаемости Пример: I stopped working because I did not have any tools at hand. Я перестал работать, потому что под рукой у меня не было инструментов. I do not have any aspirin on hand at the moment. В данный момент у меня под ... Читать далее...
36. It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidentIt had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way. «And just where have you been until this hour?» demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home. ... Читать далее...
37. Marriage quotes 14This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that ... Читать далее...
38. Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a LieutenantShortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound ... Читать далее...
39. What to do to get golfFour married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: «Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.» Second Guy: ... Читать далее...
40. Story behind a gunBig Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He ... Читать далее...