A disabled sea captain
An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar. The sailor sitting next to him says, “You’re really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?” “I fell overboard,” says the Captain, “and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off.” “Terrible,” says the sailor. “And what happened to your hand?” “We attacked a man-o’-war,” says the Captain, “and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber.” “Awful,” says the sailor. “And how did you lose your eye?” “Seagull droppings,” says the Captain. “Amazing,” says the sailor. “I didn’t know seagull droppings could put your eye out.” “Can’t,” says the Captain. “But it was my first day with the hook.”
(1 оценок, среднее: 5.00 из 5)Related topics:
- Pirate at the local bar discusses his past A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and […]...
- Перевод слова captain Captain – капитан Перевод слова To hold the rank of captain – иметь звание капитана captain’s shoulder straps – погоны капитана captain’s mate – помощник капитана They chose her as Captain. Ее выбрали капитаном. A general ranks a Captain. Генерал выше по званию, чем капитан. Captain is in close arrest. Капитан находится под строгим арестом. […]...
- A merchant captain and several of his officers A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!” The following morning the […]...
- An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, “But you just got a new pair last month!” “Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,” stammered the private. “Accident, what kind of an accident?” […]...
- Перевод слова sailor Sailor – матрос, моряк, мореплаватель Перевод слова A sailor before the mast – рядовой матрос sailor suit – матроска to be a good sailor – хорошо переносить качку на море He worked as a Sailor on a cargo ship. Он работал матросом на сухогрузе. She is a poor Sailor. Ее быстро укачивает. What’s it like […]...
- A drill instructor at Airborne school was A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump. He told them: “When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell ‘Geronimo!’ and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, […]...
- No exit An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the […]...
- Johnny Depp: Why I Travel With My Captain Jack Sparrow Costume We’ve heard about Johnny Depp visiting children’s hospitals dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, but who knew he actually has the Pirates of the Caribbean costume with him at all times? “Sometimes you go to kiddie hospitals and things like that,” the actor explained while promoting his latest flick, The Lone Ranger. “I’ll just sneak in […]...
- Перевод слова awful Awful – ужасный, отвратительный Перевод слова Awful manners – ужасные манеры awful tragedy – ужасная трагедия awful truth – страшная правда My old boss was Awful! Мой прежний босс был ужасен! That joke is just Awful. Эта шутка – просто ужас. I’m Awful sorry. Я ужасно извиняюсь....
- Значение идиомы saber rattling [saber rattling] or [sword rattling] {n.} A show of militarystrength usually to frighten; a threat of military force. Thedictator marched his troops and tanks along the border of our countryand did some saber rattling....
- During the World War II During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down […]...
- Перевод слова missing Missing – отсутствующий, недостающий Перевод слова Missing link – недостающее звено missing person – без вести пропавший missing data – недостающие данные to declare missing – объявить безвестно отсутствующим There is a page Missing. Здесь недостает страницы. A button was Missing from his shirt. На его рубашке не хватало одной пуговицы. She’s upset about Missing […]...
- A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!” “What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. “We weren’t making love.” “Sorry,” said the sailor, “From […]...
- Humor about the Stupid Irish Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When […]...
- The Captain’s Story на английском языке писателя Mark Twain There was a good deal of pleasant gossip about old Captain ‘Hurricane’ Jones, of the Pacific Ocean-peace to his ashes! Two or three of us present had known him; I, particularly well, for I had made four sea – voyages with him. He was a very remarkable man. He was born on a ship; he […]...
- Man takes the ferry home from work John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. […]...
- Перевод слова hook Hook – крючок, зацепить на крючок Перевод слова Crochet hook – вязальный крючок meat hook – крюк для мяса to sew on hook – плести кружево I Hooked the door shut. Я закрыл дверь на крючок. My sweater was Hooked on a branch. Мой свитер зацепился за ветку. He Hooked a large fish. Он поймал […]...
- Значение идиомы sailor collar [sailor collar] {n.} A large square collar like those worn bysailors. Little Timmy’s suit has a sailor collar. Mary’s blousehas a sailor collar....
- Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is […]...
- Значение идиомы hook, line and sinker [hook, line and sinker] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Without question ordoubt; completely. Johnny was so easily fooled that he fell forJoe’s story, hook, line and sinker. Mary was such a romantic girlthat she swallowed the story Alice told her about her date, hook, lineand sinker. Bobby trusted Jim so he was taken in by his hard-luckstory […]...
- A sailor and a marine are taking a piss A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The sailor says: yeah well, in […]...
- Значение идиомы let one’s left hand know what one’s right hand is doing [let one’s left hand know what one’s right hand is doing] {v. phr.}1. To make a show of your kindness or help to others. – Used in thenegative. The Bible tells us not to let the left hand know what theright hand is doing when we give to the poor. 2. {informal} To leteveryone taking […]...
- Значение идиомы by hook or by crook [by hook or by crook] {adv. phr.} By honest ways or dishonest in any way necessary. The wolf tried to get the little pigs by hook or by crook. The team was determined to win that last game by hook or by crook, and three players were put out of the game for fouling....
- Значение идиомы hook up [hook up] {v. phr.} To connect or fit together. The company senta man to hook up the telephone. They could not use the gas stovebecause it had not been hooked up....
- Red shirt Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and […]...
- Люди с ограниченными возможностями/ Disabled People На английском языке Перевод на русский язык Disabled People Люди с ограниченными возможностями Today more and more people struggle against different kinds of discrimination. And fortunately their struggle gives its results. One of the most urgent social question is disabled people. People can become disabled for many reasons. They can get into a car accident, […]...
- These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home […]...
- Значение идиомы off the hook [off the hook] {adv. phr.} Out of trouble; out of an awkward orembarrassing situation. Thelma found she had made two dates for thesame night; she asked Sally to get her off the hook by going out withone of the boys....
- Selling war insurance Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in […]...
- Where are we going An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. “Aaah!” he said. “We’re right over my homeland.” “How can you tell?” asked the American. “I can feel the cold air.” he replied. […]...
- Childhood Diseases Childhood Diseases Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. “What happened to you feet?” his wife asked. “I had a childhood disease called tolio.” “Don’t you mean polio?” “No, tolio, it only […]...
- Значение идиомы lose out [lose out] {v.} To fail to win; miss first place in a contest; loseto a rival. John lost out in the rivalry for Mary’s hand inmarriage. Fred didn’t want to lose out to the other salesman. Compare: MISS OUT. Contrast: WIN OUT....
- Bad news and awful news One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads “I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD”. Bill calls the FBI and says “Someone has written “I hope you get impeached” […]...
- Значение идиомы let off [let off] {v.} 1. To discharge ; explode; fire. Willieaccidentally let off his father’s shotgun and made a hole in thewall. Syn.: GO OFF, LET LOOSE. 2. To permit to go or escape;excuse from a penalty, a duty, or a promise. Two boys were caughtsmoking in school but the principal let them off with a […]...
- Adding Condiments to Food Orlando: Hand me that Worcestershire sauce. Janine: Here. You’re not putting that on your Burger, are you? Orlando: No, I’m using it for my Hot dog. Janine: Wait. You’ve put Ketchup, Mustard, Mayonnaise, and Barbecue sauce on your burger, and now you’re going to put Worcestershire sauce on your hot dog? Orlando: Sure, you’ve got […]...
- A woman visits her physician A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The PhD asks her: “Well, what can I do for you madam?”. The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: “You can discuss any matter with […]...
- New person in prison A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the […]...
- Значение идиомы missing link [missing link] n. 1. Something needed to complete a group; amissing part of a chain of things. A 1936 penny was the missinglink in John’s collection of pennies. The detective hunted for thefact that was the missing link in the case. 2. An unknown extinctanimal that was supposed to be a connection between man and […]...
- Young naval student A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?” “Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied. “What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?” “Throw out another anchor, sir.” “And if another terrific […]...
- Being Pestered on the Phone Gisele: Our phone has been Ringing off the hook all weekend. What’s the deal? Nobu: I think it’s Jeanine. Gisele: Jeanine…Jeanine…Is that the woman you’ve been Going out with? Nobu: Yeah, it’s her. I tried To let her down easy, but she’s not Taking the hint. Gisele: I see. That’s why you’ve been Screening calls. […]...