A catholic lithany

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1. A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a RabbiA Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after ... Читать далее...
2. The priest was preparing a manThe priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, «Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!» The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, «Why do you refuse to ... Читать далее...
3. A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform beganA few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, «Tell me, Becky, have you heard by chance what’s going on in Rome?» «No,» said Mrs Finkelstein. «I haven’t. What’s going on in Rome?» «A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other ... Читать далее...
4. A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he couldA little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. ‘God,’ he prayed, ‘I really want a car.’ Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty. ‘God,’ he prayed again, ‘I really NEED a car.’ Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into ... Читать далее...
5. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogueA priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out ... Читать далее...
6. A priest is walking down the street one day whenA priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer ... Читать далее...
7. Cities of the USAAmong large and famous American cities there are Chicago, Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York. Washington is the capital of the USA. It is situated on the Potomac River in the District of Columbia. D. Washington chose the place. The city was founded in 1791 and named after the first president. Now ... Читать далее...
8. Arguing about the signA man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks ... Читать далее...
9. Together againMaria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, «At least they’re finally together.» A guy sitting in ... Читать далее...
10. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова dyingDying — умирание, смерть, умирающий Перевод слова Dying social order — отживающий свой век общественный строй to be dying from fatigue — умирать от усталости a dying town — город, в котором умирает жизнь I am Dying for a cup of tea. Все бы отдал сейчас за чашку чая. I’m Dying for a cuppa! Я ... Читать далее...
12. Divine RightSeveral years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest ... Читать далее...
13. New YorkNew York is one of the largest cities in the world. Its population is over 11 million people. New York is an industrial and cultural centre of the country. Most business is centred in Manhattan Island. The whole area is very small, that’s why the sky-scrapers were invented in New York and, especially, in Wall ... Читать далее...
14. A priest and a lawyer are walking downA priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, «How’d you like to fuck that?» To which the lawyer replied, «Out of what?»...
15. Перевод слова policemanPoliceman — полицейский Перевод слова Duty policeman — дежурный полицейский military policeman — военный полицейский on-duty policeman — полицейский при исполнении служебных обязанностей plain-clothes policeman — переодетый полицейский The Policeman caught the thief. Полицейский задержал вора. The Policeman blew his whistle. Полицейский свистнул в свисток. The Policeman wore his badge proudly. Полицейский с гордостью носил ... Читать далее...
16. Перевод слова priestPriest — священник Перевод слова To ordain a priest — посвящать в духовный сан priest’s trappings — внешние атрибуты священника priest brethren — братья в священстве We thanked the Priest for his kind words. Мы поблагодарили священника за теплые слова. A Priest, vested in surplice. Священник, облаченный в стихарь. A Priest has eased me of ... Читать далее...
17. Scotland (2)Scotland is a country in the United Kingdom to the north of England. Its symbol is a thistle; its patron is St. Andrew. The country is divided into Highlands and Lowlands. Most of the industry is concentrated in Lowlands, in the Clyde Valley. Glasgow is its largest and busiest town; Edinburgh is its capital. Glasgow ... Читать далее...
18. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
19. Camel DiedCamel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and ... Читать далее...
20. Falling downThere’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, «If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!» Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would ... Читать далее...
21. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priestA boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank ... Читать далее...
22. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
23. A rookie police officer was assignedA rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, «Let’s ... Читать далее...
24. A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty yearsA farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he’s been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. «No! I’m not doing it anymore!» ... Читать далее...
25. Значение идиомы strike out[strike out] {v.} 1. To destroy something that has been written ordrawn by drawing a line or cross through it or by erasing it. Johnmisspelled «corollary. » He struck it out and wrote it correctly. 2.To begin to follow a new path or a course of action that you havenever tried. The boy scouts struck ... Читать далее...
26. One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stallOne day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew ... Читать далее...
27. Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. «Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?» «I was a policeman,» he responded. «What kind of policeman?» St Peter asked. «I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.» «Wonderful my son, ... Читать далее...
28. Criminal steals lumberA man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. «What did you take?» his priest asked. «Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two ... Читать далее...
29. The same thingA married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, «I had an affair with a woman… almost.» The priest says, «what do you mean almost?» The man says, «Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.» The priest replies, «Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not ... Читать далее...
30. A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole outA young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. «Oh,» says the older priest, «give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents.»...
31. Virginia JokesVirginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix? — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — Virginia: Please don’t confuse us ... Читать далее...
32. Working as a Street PerformerGiancarlo: Whoa, where are you going? I thought we were going To hang out. Alana: I’m going to work. Giancarlo: Work? I didn’t know you got a job. Alana: I’m Busking on Main Street. Giancarlo: You mean you’re Panhandling? That’s not working. Alana: I’m not panhandling. I’m working for Tips. I perform, try To draw ... Читать далее...
33. Getting in an accidentA Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, «So you’re a ... Читать далее...
34. Barber gives free cutsA barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, «you do God’s work.» The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber ... Читать далее...
35. New York (2)New York is one of the largest cities in the world and the biggest seaport. It’s the financial capital of the country. It’s the business centre of the United States. The city is situated in New York State, at the mouth of the Hudson river. It’s population is over eight million. In early times the ... Читать далее...
36. Sex on SabbathA man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, «My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex ... Читать далее...
37. A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sinA man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, » My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that ... Читать далее...
38. Impressions of LAI was talking to my new friend Nicole about the differences between New York City and Los Angeles. Nicole just Relocated from New York, where she lived All her life, and I’m a Native of L. A. Dan: So, is L. A. All it’s cracked up to be? Nicole: Well, the Stereotype in the movies ... Читать далее...
39. Mr. Richman has 3daughtersMr. Richman has 3daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy. One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy when to the policeman and she said»Nobody and Somebody are fighting» Then the policeman look at her then he said «What are you talking about?» Then she said again «Nobody and ... Читать далее...
40. An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharingAn Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying «I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, «I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd ... Читать далее...