A 70-year-old man has never been married

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1. Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-oldJake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night. Jake says, «Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted ... Читать далее...
2. An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. «Oh honey», said the young nymph, «Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?» «No», said the old man, «It means you can take your pick.»...
3. An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoonAn old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don’t have cute tits....
4. A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get marriedA middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, «Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.» The startled groom says «How can that be? You’ve been married twice…» The bride responds… ... Читать далее...
5. A couple married forty years were revisiting theA couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, «Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty years ago.» The guy stopped the car. His ... Читать далее...
6. Значение идиомы girl friend[girl friend] {n.}, {informal} 1. A female friend or companion. Jane is spending the night at her girlfriend’s house. 2. A boy’ssteady girl; the girl or woman partner in a love affair; girl;sweetheart. John is taking his girl friend to the dance. Contrast:BOYFRIEND....
7. It is all in the moneyA couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, «If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!» The wife replied, «My dear, if it weren’t for your money, ... Читать далее...
8. Перевод слова marriedMarried — женатый, брачный Перевод слова Married man — женатый человек married name — фамилия по мужу married couple — супружеская пара So, how do you like Married life? Так, как тебе супружеская жизнь? She Married an Evans. Она вышла замуж за одного из Эвансов. I was Married to my job. Я был женат на ... Читать далее...
9. Married life is very frustratingMarried life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen....
10. This redneck gets married, but on his wedding nightThis redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn’t know what to do. He’s fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, «Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s’pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!» …So he got his bowling bowl ... Читать далее...
11. A young married womanA young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, «Do you talk to your husband when you’re making love?» She thought about it a minute then said, «Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.»...
12. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nailsTo stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. «I won’t do it any more, Mom,» says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. «If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?» ... Читать далее...
13. Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girlSarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. «Mommy,» she said, «I’d like you to answer one question.» «Very good,» replied her mother, «I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees.» «It’s not that,» said the girl. «I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how ... Читать далее...
14. Dear Darling Son and That Person You MarriedDear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I ... Читать далее...
15. Перевод идиомы year after year, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: year after year Перевод: много лет, год за годом Пример: We went to the lake year after year until we finally got tired of it. Мы из года в год ходили на озеро, пока, наконец, нам это не надоело....
16. A little nine year old girl was in church with her motherA little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. «Mommy,» she said. «Can we leave now?» «No,» her mother replied. «Well, I think I have to throw up!» «Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.» ... Читать далее...
17. The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girlThe wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. ... Читать далее...
18. One night, an 87-year-old womanOne night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to ... Читать далее...
19. Перевод идиомы year in, year out, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: year in, year out Перевод: год за годом, из года в год, много лет подряд, постоянно, всегда Пример: Year in and year out the city had to spend money to fix the old stadium. Из года в год городу приходится тратить деньги на ремонт этого старого стадиона....
20. Going to a WeddingI got an Invitation in the mail last month that really surprised me. My friend Ulrich was getting married! We went to college together and he always said that he’d never get married. I guess he found his Dream girl in the end. The Church wedding was going to be at 3 p. m. and ... Читать далее...
21. The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wifeThe 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man’s oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked «How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?» The old man ... Читать далее...
22. Honeymoon IIThe newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak’s «Car Train» to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train’s upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number ... Читать далее...
23. How do we celebrate New Year in Russia?В топике Как мы празднуем Новый год в России? – я расскажу, как празднует этот любимый всеми праздник моя семья. Мой отец заранее покупает красивую елку, а я с удовольствием наряжаю ее разными игрушками и гирляндами. Мама и бабушка готовят торжественный ужин, а я пеку торт. Мы встречаем Новый Год с нашими родственниками, все обмениваются ... Читать далее...
24. Get marriedJohnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don’t ... Читать далее...
25. A man was complaining to a friendA man was complaining to a friend. «I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!» «What happened?» asked the friend. «My wife found out.»...
26. I had it allA man complaining to a friend: «I had it all — money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman…then… pow! … it was all gone!» «What happened?» asked the friend. «Ahhhh… my wife found out…»...
27. Three girls died and were brought to the gatesThree girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, «Before entering you must answer this simple question.» «Which is…?», they replied in unison. «Have you been a good girl?», he asked the first girl. ... Читать далее...
28. A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wifeA 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the ... Читать далее...
29. One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughterOne day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, «I did that by accident.» She replied, «I know that, daddy.» He replied, «How’d you know?» The girl said, «Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!»...
30. Marriage quotes 03There was a man who said, «I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!» Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a ... Читать далее...
31. Топик «Новый год в Великобритании» (New Year in Great Britain)Словарь: Piccadilly Circus — цирк Пикадилли The linked-arm — держась за руки Long-awaited — долгожданный Truly — искренне All night through — всю ночь Different ways — разными способами Trafalgar Square — Трафальгарская площадь New Year in United Kingdom is celebrated on January 1. This day was officially declared as New Year’s Day in 1752. ... Читать далее...
32. Penguin Swims 8,000KM Every Year To See The Man Who Saved His Life«Everyone said he wouldn’t return but he has been coming back to visit me for the past four years» It’s illegal for you to keep wild animals as pets in Brazil. But despite what the law may say, Dindim comes to live with his best friend, whom he met on the beaches of Brazil, every ... Читать далее...
33. New Year’s PartyI walked into the office and saw Rob with his Head down on his desk. I Tapped him on the shoulder. Christy: You look like you had a good New Year’s. Rob: Yeah, too good. I’m trying To catch up on sleep. Christy: Oh yeah? What did you do? Rob: I went to a New ... Читать далее...
34. The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedicThe 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office. «You know, Doc,» he said, «I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.» «And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,» ... Читать далее...
35. Marriage quotes 02Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. It is true that love is blind but marriage ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова honeymoonHoneymoon — медовый месяц Перевод слова To be on honeymoon — проводить медовый месяц to go for a honeymoon — поехать в свадебное путешествие honeymoon couple — молодожены, совершающие свадебное путешествие The neoteric fashion of spending a Honeymoon on the railway. Новая мода проводить медовый месяц в путешествии по железной дороге. They plan to Honeymoon ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова sightSight — взгляд, зрение; увидеть, обнаружить Перевод слова Long sight — дальнозоркость short sight — близорукость in my sight — у меня на глазах love at first sight — любовь с первого взгляда Out of Sight, out of mind. посл. С глаз долой — из сердца вон. Out of my Sight! Прочь с глаз моих! ... Читать далее...
38. What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog «Sex». When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said «I’d like one too.» But then I said «This is a dog.» He said he didn’t care what she looked ... Читать далее...
39. Diary EntriesAUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. I love it here. OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red ... Читать далее...
40. Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hairMrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, «I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.» That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, «I’ve never seen anything like that. ... Читать далее...