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1. Two Tourists Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would […]...
2. A waitress walks up to one of her tables in A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, “What the hell do you guys think you are doing?” One of the Japanese men explains, “Can’t you see? We are all berry hungry.” The waitress […]...
3. Перевод слова pronounce Pronounce – объявлять, заявлять; произносить, выговаривать Перевод слова The minister pronounced them man and wife – священник объявил их мужем и женой it is a difficult word to pronounce – это слово трудно произнести to pronounce faultlessly – произносить верно pronounce the invocation – заклинать, молить She practices Pronouncing foreign words. Она упражняется в произношении […]...
4. Перевод слова waitress Waitress – официантка, служанка Перевод слова Ring for a waitress – звонком подозвать официантку Eventually, Mary got a job as a Waitress. В конце концов, Мэри устроилась официанткой. The Waitress freshened our coffee. Официантка долила нам кофе. Let’s order dessert when the Waitress comes back. Когда официантка вернется, давайте закажем десерт....
5. What Not to Name Your Dog Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked […]...
6. A man stops by a diner at noon A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and […]...
7. An old retired man goes to his wife one day An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, “I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.” The wife says, “No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.” Husband replies, “Our savings are all gone and you […]...
8. Перевод слова hungry Hungry – голодный; жаждущий, сильно желающий Перевод слова I’m good and hungry – я здорово проголодался I am not hungry – я не голоден hungry for knowledge – жаждущий знаний hungry for home – истосковавшийся по дому Are you Hungry? Ты хочешь есть? I’m blasted Hungry! Я чертовски голоден! I’d sooner go Hungry than eat […]...
9. Rooms in a House I don’t like cats. That’s not really true. I like cats, but they don’t like me. Last week, my friend Sara asked me To babysit her cat for two days while she was out of town. Normally, I would have said no, but she was In a jam, so I said okay. As I said, […]...
10. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
11. Значение идиомы figure on [figure on] {v.} 1. To expect and think about while making plans. We did not figure on having so many people at the picnic. Hefigured on going to town the next day. Syn.: PLAN ON. 2. To dependon; be; sure about. You can figure on him to be on time. Syn.:COUNT ON....
12. Перевод слова counter Counter – конторка, прилавок; счетчик Перевод слова To clear counter – сбрасывать счетчик counter counts up – счетчик работает на сложение check-out counter – контрольно-кассовый пункт A shopman was at the Counter. За прилавком стоял продавец. Goods are sold and money paid over the Counter. Товары продаются и оплачиваются у прилавка. “Good morning,” said the […]...
13. Three vampires go to a bar Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.” […]...
14. In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I […]...
15. Seymour was a good and pious man Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. “Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked. “I could eat,” said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and […]...
16. Значение идиомы under the counter [under the counter] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Secretly. That book has been banned, but there is one place you canget it under the counter. The liquor dealer was arrested forselling beer under the counter to teenagers. – Also used like anadjective, with hyphens. During World War II, some stores keptscarce things hidden for under-the-counter-sales to good […]...
17. Значение идиомы figure out [figure out] {v.} 1. To find an answer by thinking about ; solve. Tom couldn’t figure out the lastproblem on the arithmetic test. Sam couldn’t figure out how toprint a program until the teacher showed him how. Mary couldn’tfigure out why her cake tasted so funny until she found salt mixed inthe sugar bag. Compare: […]...
18. A horrible curse An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says “maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation […]...
19. The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man’s oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked “How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?” The old man […]...
20. An Other one Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’ A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s […]...
21. The guide to wife translations The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need […]...
22. Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair […]...
23. I was out with one of my best drinking buddies I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, “Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is… well… my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs… she’s hardly ever in the mood for sex… I guess what […]...
24. Proffessional Acquantance A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body. She smiled and gushed, “Well, hello there Doc.” […]...
25. Значение идиомы go to town [go to town] {v. phr.}, {slang} 1. To do something quickly or withgreat force or energy; work fast or hard. The boys went to town onthe old garage, and had it torn down before Father came home fromwork. While Sally was slowly washing the dishes, she rememberedshe had a date with Pete that evening; then […]...
26. This man was sitting quietly reading his paper This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: “What was that for?” Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written […]...
27. Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, “Are you ready to order?” Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.” “A quickie?!?” the waitress replies. “Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don’t think that is […]...
28. Another ethnic joke A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, “What a Pollack.” The Polish man said, “I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.” […]...
29. Welfare office A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his […]...
30. A little town had a high birth rate that A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got […]...
31. Bar Hopping A Bunch of my old college friends Came into town for a few days and we went out last night Bar hopping until Closing time. We started around 9 p. m. and Were on our third bar when we Closed it down. Some of us were Starving and the rest of us were Peckish so […]...
32. Marriage quotes 11 My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one […]...
33. Short gender jokes A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more […]...
34. Значение идиомы cut a figure [cut a figure] {v. phr.} To make a favorable impression; carry of fan activity with dignity and grace. With his handsome face and sporty figure, Harry cuts quite a figure with all the ladies....
35. Hope never dies A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed, except now he’s driving at 65 mph, the […]...
36. Перевод слова figure Figure – фигура, облик; цифра, арифметика; рисунок, диаграмма; представлять себе Перевод слова In round figures – в круглых цифрах see figure 2 on page 5 – смотрите рис. 2 на с. 5 a garment adjusted to the figure – одежда по фигуре how do you figure it to yourself? – как вы это себе представляете? […]...
37. Deaf lady in trouble One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his […]...
38. Значение идиомы get on to one [get on to one] {v. phr.} To figure someone out; understand whatsomeone else is up to. The FBI is on to Jim’s secret trading withthe enemy....
39. Humor about Irish Marriages Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving […]...
40. Now he’s in trouble A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer?” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and […]...