Two zebras are talking and one asks the other

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1. One day the teacher decides to play an animal gameOne day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says «See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?» Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a ... Читать далее...
2. A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureauA journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: «You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that ... Читать далее...
3. An old rabbi is talking with one of his friendsAn old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, «I gladdened seven hearts today.» «Seven hearts?» asks the friend. «How did you do that?» The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, «I performed three marriages.» The friend looks at him quizically. «Seven?» he asks. «I could understand six, ... Читать далее...
4. Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and stillSadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, «Mama! I ... Читать далее...
5. A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks herA guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, «how much?» she replies, «$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up.» He asks what the difference is, and she tells him, «it’s my hairdresser’s fee!»...
6. The little boy comes home from school and asks momThe little boy comes home from school and asks mom, «Where do babies come from?» Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, «From the stork of course!» The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, «But mom, who fucks the stork?»...
7. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
8. Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the barmanProstitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi’s and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks ... Читать далее...
9. Two bikers were talking at a barTwo bikers were talking at a bar. «How’s married life?» asks the first. «It’s fine,» says the second. «How’s the sex?» asks the first. «Fine,» says the second, «At least I don’t have to wait in line!»...
10. Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asksLittle Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers. The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. «Nah,» says Johnny, «what else do ... Читать далее...
11. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they wereThree guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and ... Читать далее...
12. The wife is not speaking to meOne night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. «What’s the matter?» the bartender asks. «My wife and I got into a fight,» explained the guy «and now she isn’t talking to me for a ... Читать далее...
13. In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish manIn Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about ... Читать далее...
14. Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asksPappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, «Where ya going boy?» The son smiled and replied, «I’m a-going courting Peggy-Sue.» The Father said, «When I went a-courtin’, I didn’t need me no dang lantern.» «Sure Pa, I know.» the boy said. «And look what you got!»...
15. A kind of sportA guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, «What the hell was that?» He replies, «Touchdown, I am ... Читать далее...
16. A guy in a barThe bartender asks him «What’ll you have?». The guy answers, «A scotch, please». The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars», to which he replies «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this». A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, «You ... Читать далее...
17. Armando asksArmando went to his neighbor and asked, «Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?» «No,» says Carlos. Armando asks, «Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?» «No,» says Carlos. «Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so ... Читать далее...
18. Some very common traits in two drunksA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
19. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a barA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. «Why of course,» comes the reply. The first man then asks: «Where are you from?» «I’m from Ireland,» replies the second man. The first man responds: «You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s ... Читать далее...
20. I don’t owe anything for this drinkThe bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, «What’ll you have?» The guy answers, «A scotch, please.» The bartender hands him the drink, and says «That’ll be five dollars,» to which the guy replies, «What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.» A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, ... Читать далее...
21. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
22. Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one askedDown in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, «Do you ever get to feeling horny?» «Yes,» her friend replied. «What do you do about it?» «I usually suck on a Lifesaver.» After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, «Well, what beach do you go to?»...
23. The Story of the BatsTwo vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, «Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.» «We’re new here,» says the second one. «It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.» The first ... Читать далее...
24. While enjoying a drink with a mate one nightWhile enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into ... Читать далее...
25. Three mice are sitting in a bar talkingThree mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, «I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.» And with ... Читать далее...
26. Two young girls were talking about their sex livesTwo young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, «Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep for a week.» «What happened.» Says her intrigued friend. «I didn’t know what I was going to ... Читать далее...
27. Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells himSaddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, «Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.» «What did it say on the banners?» Clinton asks. Saddam replies, «Allah is god, god is Allah.» Clinton says, «You know, Saddam, I ... Читать далее...
28. Three couples wanted to join a churchThree couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.» The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the ... Читать далее...
29. Edward walks out of a barEdward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. «Can I help you, fella?», asks the cop. «Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!» Edward replies. The cop asks, «Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?». «It ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы talking point[talking point] {n.} Something good about a person or thing thatcan be talked about in selling it. The streamlined shape of the carwas one of its talking points. John tried to get Mary to dateBill. One of his talking points was that Bill was captain of thefootball team....
31. Перевод идиомы Now you’re talking!, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: Now you’re talking! Идиома: Now you’re talking! разг. Перевод: Вот это уже другой разговор! Неплохая идея! Пример: «Would you like pizza for dinner?» «Now you’re talking!» Хочешь пиццы на ужин? — Еще как!...
32. A drunken blonde goes into a barA drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, «Gimme a beer.» The bartender then asks, «Anheuser-Busch?» To which she replies, «Fine thanks, and how’s your cock?»...
33. Little girl walks into the bathroomA little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks «What’s that?» Her sister replies «That is my possum, sis!» The young girl replies «Oh, OK» The next day she sees her mother get out of the ... Читать далее...
34. The talking dogA man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. «This is a talking dog,» he said. «And you can have him for five dollars.» The neighbour said, «Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal.» Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. «Please ... Читать далее...
35. A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionistA man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. «Good,» says the man. «That means I must have really escaped.»...
36. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whalesA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a ... Читать далее...
37. A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks himA policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, «Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?» The man gets really indignant and says, «Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. ... Читать далее...
38. Three guys were sitting in a bar talkingThree guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; «You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn’t like the ... Читать далее...
39. On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asksOn a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks: Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee? Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date. The guy thinks for a minute and says: Well, what about the last date?...
40. A young man asks his fatherA young man asks his father, «Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?» The father, surprised, answers: «Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, ... Читать далее...