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1. A really bad, terrible mistake Fred goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.” Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation.” Fred: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking […]...
2. Anomaly or “Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says. “What seems to be the problem?” “My husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually. What can I do?” “Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?” “Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve got to help […]...
3. A folk remedy A man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she […]...
4. Where are the fingers? Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.” Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do […]...
5. Manly signs “Doctor, doctor!” shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. “I think I’m turning into a man” then the doctor says, ” Now hold on little lady what makes you think that you’re turning into a man?” ” Well” said the woman “I’m starting to grow hair on my chest” and then the doctor asked, […]...
6. Перевод слова acquaintance Acquaintance – знакомство Перевод слова Upon further acquaintance – при более близком знакомстве to make the acquaintance of smb. – познакомиться с кем-л. to renew an acquaintance – возобновить отношения, возобновить знакомство He has some Acquaintance with statistics. Он немного знает статистику. It gave me great pleasure to make your Acquaintance. Я был очень рад […]...
7. The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. “Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?” The Vicar […]...
8. The wife of an older man is distraught The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “listen, I don’t do this for […]...
9. Eat oysters A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. “What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor. “Oysters,” she said. “Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor. “How should I know?” said the lady “Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the shells?” “My Gosh,” gasped the […]...
10. It’s dark in here A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there […]...
11. One day a lady went to the doctors office One day a lady went to the doctor’s office and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t interested in her any more he just wouldn’t have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that “if you give your […]...
12. Перевод слова casual Casual – повседневный; непроизвольный, случайный Перевод слова Casual discovery – случайное открытие casual tone – небрежный тон casual perusal – беглый взгляд The house was full of visitors and Casuals. Дом был полон приглашенных гостей и случайных посетителей. She had a Casual attitude to life. Она относилась к жизни поверхностно. Casual clothes are the order […]...
13. Only once “Miss Jones, we can’t employ you as a model,” the editor from the men’s magazine explained. “It’s too obvious that your blonde hair isn’t natural, since the hair between your legs is black.” The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor’s fingers. “What the hell did you do that for!” […]...
14. A young lady walks into a doctors office A young lady walks into a doctors office. “Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge” The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says “how does that feel?” Young lady, “Oooh doctor that feels lovely….. …but the discharge is from my ear!!”...
15. Who’s got a bigger crotch? There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, “My husband can get his whole hand up me”. The second lady said, “My husband can get his whole head up me”. The third lady slid down the bar stool....
16. Communication problem There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. […]...
17. A husband and wife are on a nudist beach A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the […]...
18. Перевод слова lover Lover – любовник, любитель Перевод слова Impetuous lover – пылкий любовник lover of the antique – любитель античности to take a lover – завести любовника to jilt a lover – бросить любовника The woman gave up her Lover to save her marriage. Женщина порвала с любовником ради сохранения брака. An affectionate Lover of venerable antiquity. […]...
19. Changed HR policies Casual Fridays: Week 1 – Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 – Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles […]...
20. Best riddles part 4 Why do you lie down on a hospital bed? Ответ: Because you can’t lie up. —————————————– Why is a person with a bad cold built backwards? Ответ: Because their nose runs and their feet smell. —————————————– What illness do beekeepers get? Ответ: Hives. —————————————– What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Ответ: Bronchitis […]...
21. A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when […]...
22. Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.” That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. […]...
23. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die”. 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, […]...
24. Obamacare The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello?” “Mrs. Sanders, please.” “Speaking.” “Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your […]...
25. Doctor’s compliment A lady came to see a doctor because of sharp pain in her stomack. After examining his patient doctor gave out the diagnosis: – Madam, you have acute appendicitis. – Thank you, Doctor, but I came to be treated not admired....
26. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, “So how has life been treating you?” The old man replies,”The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when […]...
27. A man comes to a doctor and A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” “Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You […]...
28. Marriage quotes 03 There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!” Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a […]...
29. A young girl is with her dad at the barbers A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor. “Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?” asked the barber. “Don’t be so stupid, I’m only three!!” said the girl!...
30. A new statue for the bedroom A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to.” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s […]...
31. Перевод слова fingers Fingers – пальцы Перевод слова Dexterous fingers – ловкие пальцы to count on one’s fingers – считать на пальцах to snap one’s fingers – щелкать пальцами He snapped his Fingers. Он щелкнул пальцами. We ate with our Fingers. Мы ели руками. His Fingers turned to thumbs. Его пальцы одеревенели. Происхождение слова fingers Множественное число для […]...
32. Man and wife at the zoo It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one […]...
33. A young girl had not been feeling well A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
34. Eye sex A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.” “But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.” “Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is […]...
35. Значение идиомы lady friend [lady friend] {n.} 1. A woman friend. His aunt stays with a ladyfriend in Florida during the winter. 2. A woman who is the lover of aman. – Used by people trying to appear more polite, but not often usedby careful speakers. The lawyer took his lady friend to dinner. Syn.: GIRLFRIEND....
36. A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that […]...
37. Card games A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, “Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about […]...
38. The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on […]...
39. An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination,” said the young girl. “Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.” “No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.” “Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick […]...
40. A little boy and his dad are standing in line A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, “hey dad, look how fat that lady is!” “Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.” “But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!” “Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!” […]...