The wife of an older man is distraught

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1. For his wife’s birthday party, a doctor ordered a cakeFor his wife’s birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: «You are not getting older, You are just getting better.» When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, «Just put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, and ‘You are just getting better’ at the bottom.» It wasn’t until the ... Читать далее...
2. An advantage of being with an older womanIf you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you....
3. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-upAn old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, «So how has life been treating you?» The old man replies,»The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when ... Читать далее...
4. A young blonde woman is distraughtA young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband ... Читать далее...
5. A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good lookingA young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, «Stop making love down there!» «What’s the matter with you?» the husband said when the sailor climbed down. «We weren’t making love.» «Sorry,» said the sailor, «From ... Читать далее...
6. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger ladyAn older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the ... Читать далее...
7. A husband and wife are on a nudist beachA husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife’s business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the ... Читать далее...
8. Перевод слова saluteSalute — приветствие, здороваться; салют Перевод слова I salute you! — приветствую вас! to salute with the sword — отдавать честь шашкой parting salute — прощальное приветствие royal salute — салют из двадцати одного орудия I gave him a smart Salute. Я энергично его поприветствовал. He Saluted his wife with a gentle kiss. Он приветствовал ... Читать далее...
9. An older woman was in the pastoral studyAn older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. «Father,» she said, «How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?» «My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be,» he replied. «Well Father, my first husband was a ... Читать далее...
10. Serious deseaseA distraught patient phoned her doctor’s office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, «I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This ... Читать далее...
11. A dog for a wifeIt was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out «Sir, Good Evening, Sir!» The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute ... Читать далее...
12. A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wifeA concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, «Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.» «Well,» the doctor replied, «go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say ... Читать далее...
13. The guide to wife translationsThe wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It’s your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You’ll pay for this later The wife says: We need ... Читать далее...
14. A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one nightA farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s breast a little feel and says,»Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.» His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, «Mother, if this ... Читать далее...
15. A man took his wife to the doctorsA man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said «Your wife’s mind has completely gone!» To which the man replied «I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!»...
16. An old retired man goes to his wife one dayAn old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, «I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.» The wife says, «No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.» Husband replies, «Our savings are all gone and you ... Читать далее...
17. A husband and wife were out playing golfA husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in ... Читать далее...
18. One day an older fella was in for a checkupOne day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. «Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!» «Did I say I was 64?» «Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?» «Damn ... Читать далее...
19. A man comes to a doctor andA man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, «Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?» «Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!» announces a proud physician, «They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You ... Читать далее...
20. A man and wife entered aA man and wife entered a dentist’s office. The Wife said, «I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.» You’re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her ... Читать далее...
21. Perfectly healthy«Doctor,» the embarrassed man said, «I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. «Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.» The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. «Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,» the medic said. «Now ... Читать далее...
22. No symptomsDoctor, the embarrassed man said, «I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. «Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.» The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. «Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,» the medic said. «Now ... Читать далее...
23. Harry and his wife are driving in the countryHarry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, «Cow For Sale…$5000.» He pulls in and says to the farmer, «There’s no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars.» The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.» He lifts the cow’s tail, and Harry sees ... Читать далее...
24. A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husbandA wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, «You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!» Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, ... Читать далее...
25. Перевод слова sailorSailor — матрос, моряк, мореплаватель Перевод слова A sailor before the mast — рядовой матрос sailor suit — матроска to be a good sailor — хорошо переносить качку на море He worked as a Sailor on a cargo ship. Он работал матросом на сухогрузе. She is a poor Sailor. Ее быстро укачивает. What’s it like ... Читать далее...
26. A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified toA wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along ... Читать далее...
27. When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money andWhen Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, «Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.» «Don’t be stupid, Joe,» said the psychiatrist. «My wife ran ... Читать далее...
28. Marriage quotes 04A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Borge Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. An archaeologist ... Читать далее...
29. Wife comes home to find the old manWife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. «My God Henry», she screams, «I know you’ve had other woman but this time you’ve gone too far!» «You may be right» he says, «I think I’m stuck.»...
30. Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dogWife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. «My God Henry», she screams, «I know you’ve had other woman but this time you’ve gone too far!» «You may be right» he says, «I think I’m stuck.»...
31. A wife went in to see a therapist and saidA wife went in to see a therapist and said, «I’ve got a big problem doctor» Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.» «MY dear,» the shrink said, «that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?» «The problem is,» she complained, «It wakes me up.»...
32. All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husbandAll of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, «What was that for?» Wife said, «Because, you are a bad fuck». Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, «And may I ask what’s that about?» Husband said, » ... Читать далее...
33. A folk remedyA man’s wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman’s body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she ... Читать далее...
34. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girlsThis elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, «cough drops» and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, «What are you doing here, m’am?» ... Читать далее...
35. Missing personRecently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, «He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова wifeWife — жена Перевод слова To take to wife — взять в жены house-wife — домашняя хозяйка disloyal wife — неверная жена He split with his Wife. Он порвал со своей женой. He met his Wife at work. Он познакомился со своей женой на работе. My Wife never worked. Моя жена никогда не работала. Интересные ... Читать далее...
37. Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one dayArnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair ... Читать далее...
38. Just like my wifeA completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, «I’m sorry. I thought you were my ... Читать далее...
39. A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problemA young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front ... Читать далее...
40. Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife saidVisiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, «I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.» «What do you mean?» asked the attorney. «Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?» «No,» replied the ... Читать далее...