The right rhythm

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1. Read — it’s funAn elderly gentleman… Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is ... Читать далее...
2. An elderly patient needed a heart transplantAn elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, «We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd ... Читать далее...
3. When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old ChrisWhen I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. «Is that your grandmother?» I asked Chris when he boarded. «Yes,» Chris said. «She’s come to visit us for Christmas.» «How nice,» I said. «Where does she live?» ... Читать далее...
4. This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girlsThis elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, «cough drops» and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, «What are you doing here, m’am?» ... Читать далее...
5. Last minute requestsA man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, «Give it to me straight. How long have I got?» The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, «Call for my lawyer.» When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his ... Читать далее...
6. A veterinarian surgeonA veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, ... Читать далее...
7. One day an older fella was in for a checkupOne day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. «Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!» «Did I say I was 64?» «Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?» «Damn ... Читать далее...
8. Going crazy with confusionA psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, «How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?» He got the following reply. «Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then ... Читать далее...
9. Eating Junk FoodFrank: Hand me That bag of Potato chips. Katie: Here. You mean you’re still hungry after two Burgers and French fries? Frank: Yeah, I am. I’m a growing boy. Where’s the Popcorn? Katie: I can’t believe we’re eating all of this Junk food. I’m supposed To be watching what I eat. Frank: Forget about it. ... Читать далее...
10. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
11. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
12. Значение идиомы along in years[along in years] or [on in years] {adj. phr.} Elderly; growing old. As Grandfather got on in years, he became quiet and thoughtful. Our dog isn’t very playful because it is getting on in years....
13. A hearing problemAn elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20′ behind her and asked «Can you hear me sweetheart»?. No reply. Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply. 5′ and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked «Can you hear me now honey»? His wife said «For the ... Читать далее...
14. An Other oneThree old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’ A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s ... Читать далее...
15. Fortunate ingenuityA little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, «Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.» The grandfather replies, «I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to ... Читать далее...
16. Перевод слова grandfatherGrandfather — дедушка, предок, почтенный старик Перевод слова Grandfather rights — «дедовские» права; исконные права great grandfather — прадед grandfather file — предпоследняя версия файла My Grandfather had a weak heart. У моего деда было слабое сердце. Give my dear love to Grandfather. Передавай нежный привет дедушке. Grandfather won’t see out another month. Дедушка не ... Читать далее...
17. Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the countrySeems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night. «Sure,» said the farmer, «my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 ... Читать далее...
18. The local courtroom was packed as testimony beganThe local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been ... Читать далее...
19. A necessary conditionThere were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, «Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, «No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.» So, the second little boy comes out and ... Читать далее...
20. Baseball in HeavenTwo buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come ... Читать далее...
21. Partial DosageAn elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said «That’s no problem. How many do you want?» The man answered, «Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.» The pharmacist said, «That won’t do you any good.» The elderly gentleman said, «That’s ... Читать далее...
22. Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty yearsEd and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. «So, how’s life been for you?» Ed asked. «Not too good,» Ted replied. «My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for ... Читать далее...
23. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
24. A young boy, about eight years old, was at the cornerA young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner «Mom & Pop» grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. «Oh, no laundry,» the boy said, «I’m going to ... Читать далее...
25. A Bad BossTom: I wonder How much longer we’ll have to Put up with Dennis. He is the most Incompetent boss I’ve ever worked for. Katie: He’s not that bad, is he? I don’t have much Contact with Him. Tom: Are you Kidding? He’s always Sleeping on the job. The other day, he was supposed to Keep ... Читать далее...
26. Перевод слова comfortComfort — успокоение, отдых, комфорт Перевод слова The comfort of solitude — покой уединения to live in opulent comfort — жить припеваючи bodily comfort — физический комфорт He was used to a life of Comfort. Он привык к комфортной жизни. I dress for Comfort, not fashion. Я одеваюсь для удобства, а не для моды. I ... Читать далее...
27. About Steve who wants to know about somethingsIn one day Steve came to the bathroon, when his father was washing. And Steve has seen dad’s dick and said: «Dad, what is this?» His father nervously said: «Well Steve, it’s sausage». After week he, suddenly, has seen his mum’s cunt and said: «Mum, what is this?». His mum: «Well, it’s a cat». After ... Читать далее...
28. Dog washingA young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. «Nope, no laundry,» the boy said, «I’m going to wash my dog!» ... Читать далее...
29. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
30. Reaching the end of a job interviewReaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, «And what starting salary were you looking for?» The engineer said, «In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.» The interviewer said, «Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks ... Читать далее...
31. Значение идиомы put one’s house in order[put one’s house in order] or [set one’s house in order] {v. phr.}To arrange your affairs in good order. Grandfather knew he wouldnot live long and set his house in order. When Mr. Black died, hislawyer helped the widow put her house in order....
32. An extremely loyal fanThere was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself «what a waste» he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, «Is ... Читать далее...
33. After the fall in Garden of EdenAfter the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, «What’s that?» Adam replied, «Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.»...
34. Criminal steals lumberA man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. «What did you take?» his priest asked. «Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two ... Читать далее...
35. Eating a Home-Cooked MealLouise: What’s the matter with you? Gil: I just got off the phone with my mom and she says they’re planning a welcome-home party for me next week – at a restaurant! Louise: What’s wrong with that? Gil: After Living abroad for a year, I was really looking forward to a Home-cooked meal. Louise: Why ... Читать далее...
36. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a questionWhy lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, «Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?» She responded, «Why, yes I do know ... Читать далее...
37. A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hairA guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop. Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard. Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, «Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?» To this the old man replied, «Yeah, I f*cked ... Читать далее...
38. A little girl was out with her GrandmotherA little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. «What are they doing, Grandma?» asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, «The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.» They’re ... Читать далее...
39. Перевод слова grandmotherGrandmother — бабушка Перевод слова To hug one’s grandmother — обнять свою бабушку teach grandmother — яйца курицу не учат; учить старшего; учить ученого great-grandmother — прабабка Grandmother dotes on the twins. Бабушка без ума от близнецов. She was named for her Grandmother. Ее назвали в честь бабушки. Her Grandmother must be pushing 75. Ее ... Читать далее...
40. A woman consulted a doctorA woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, ... Читать далее...