The hamster and the pollar bear

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1. My daughter is your rewardOnce there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, «My dear guests. . . I have a proposition to ... Читать далее...
2. Baby bear wants to live somewhere elseThe three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of ... Читать далее...
3. A mother-daughter conversationA mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it’s like for her. Mom: So….now that you have started dating, what’s it like getting intimate with ... Читать далее...
4. Sexually activeA REDNECK BRINGS HIS DAUGHTER TO THE GYNOCOLOGIST FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. THE DR. ASKS,»IS YOUR DAUGHTER SEXUALLY ACTIVE?» THE REDNECK SAYS,»NAW, SHE JUST LAYS THERE LIKE HER MOTHER. Sent by BOBBY...
5. A young teenager comes home from schoolA young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, «Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?» «Yes, dear,» replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it. «But then when ... Читать далее...
6. Перевод слова dearDear — дорогой, милый, дорогая, милая Перевод слова Dear mother — милая мамочка o dear! o god! — о боже! a dear little thing — прелестная вещица Be a Dear and make me a coffee. Будь душкой и сделай мне кофе. Can I help you, Dear? Я могу тебе помочь, дорогая? What’s your name, Dear? ... Читать далее...
7. A little nine year old girl was in church with her motherA little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. «Mommy,» she said. «Can we leave now?» «No,» her mother replied. «Well, I think I have to throw up!» «Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.» ... Читать далее...
8. On their first night to be togetherOn their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, «my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.» The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. ... Читать далее...
9. A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughterA mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: «What does the cow say?» Child: «Moooo!» Mother: «Great! What does the cat say?» Child: «Meow.» Mother: «Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?» And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, «Bud.»...
10. The real treasureAn 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, «See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a ... Читать далее...
11. Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and stillSadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, «Mama! I ... Читать далее...
12. The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girlThe wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. ... Читать далее...
13. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nailsTo stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. «I won’t do it any more, Mom,» says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. «If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?» ... Читать далее...
14. A mother was teaching her three year old daughterA mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…»And lead us not into temptation», she prayed, ... Читать далее...
15. Being a Strict ParentAllison: I’m almost ready for my granddaughter’s visit. She’ll be here tomorrow and I want everything to be perfect. Ola: What do you have planned? Allison: I’m going To spoil her rotten. My daughter is very Strict and doesn’t allow her to do anything that a normal 10-year-old wants to do. Ola: Like what? Allison: ... Читать далее...
16. A department storeA really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, «W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?» The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: «W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?» Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: ... Читать далее...
17. Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sittingHillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad. He says, «I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.» «Well » says Chelsea, «you could throw ... Читать далее...
18. A cure for atheismA young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. «Marry him anyway, dear.» the Mother said. «Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how *wrong* he is.»...
19. Значение идиомы stone’s throw[stone’s throw] or [within a stone’s throw] {adv. phr.} Within avery short distance. They live across the street from us, justwithin a stone’s throw. See: HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP....
20. Перевод слова daughterDaughter — дочь; порождение, отпрыск Перевод слова Only daughter — единственная дочь daughter card — плата более низкого уровня daughter company — дочерняя компания Stay away from my Daughter! Держись подальше от моей дочери! Can your Daughter count yet? Ваша дочь уже умеет считать? The United States is a Daughter of Great Britain. Великобритания — ... Читать далее...
21. Dear Darling Son and That Person You MarriedDear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I ... Читать далее...
22. Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversationTwo men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, «You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter ... Читать далее...
23. Forget your daughterWell the King’s daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn’t want his princess to be an old maid. The princess wasn’t the most beautiful of women, and wasn’t having any luck finding a suitable husband. The King finally decided to take matters into his own hand. He had flyers printed up and ... Читать далее...
24. Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. PeterLady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: «Oh dear, what happened to you?» Di answers: «I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse». Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: «My God, you look terrible.» Dodi ... Читать далее...
25. A bad habitI overheard a friend telling his pal, «I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.» «What is she doing?», the pal asks. «Waiting for me to get home.»...
26. Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to beMr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious), «So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do? «I study the Torah,» he replies. «But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?» «No problem,» ... Читать далее...
27. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one dayFather, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, «Mummy, what is that long thing?» His mother replies, «That, son, ... Читать далее...
28. A defending attorney was cross examining a coronerA defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asks, «Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?» The coroner says, «No.» The attorney then asks, «Did you listen for a heart beat?» «No.» «So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure ... Читать далее...
29. Перевод слова tiredTired — усталый, утомленный, исчерпанный Перевод слова Tired face — утомленное лицо a tired joke — избитый анекдот tired apple — сморщенное яблоко old, tired dress — старое, изношенное платье She was Tired and sleepy. Она очень устала, и ей очень хотелось спать. I’m Tired. Let’s go home. Я устал. Давайте пойдем домой. I was ... Читать далее...
30. A man is walking past this house when a used condomA man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock ... Читать далее...
31. A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wifeA 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the ... Читать далее...
32. One summer evening during a violent thunderstormOne summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, «Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?» The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. «I can’t dear,» she said. «I ... Читать далее...
33. The young wife was in tears when she opened the doorThe young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. «I’ve been insulted,» she sobbed. «Your mother insulted me.» «My mother!» he exclaimed. «But she is a hundred miles away.» «I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.» He looked stern, «I see, but where ... Читать далее...
34. Three Chinese daughtersA Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. «I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest», said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. «I would like to marry a ... Читать далее...
35. Значение идиомы Dear John letter[Dear John letter] {n. phr.} A note or a letter informing one that a romantic relationship or a marriage is over. Jane left a «Dear John letter» on the table and went home to live with her parents....
36. The way he diedA person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn’t make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. ... Читать далее...
37. Some problemsA woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says: «I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.» «What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I’ll love it. It’s my child and I’ll love it ... Читать далее...
38. Catching the bearTwo men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran ... Читать далее...
39. Fucking bearOnes there was a wild-wild bear. He went through the wild dark fores an? drank beer, so he was drunk. — People don’t understand me, fucking people… I want to fuck them… i wanna fuck all the mankind! A second latter a wild hunter fucked a wild bear into his ass…...
40. Over the counterA middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, «Do you sell Viagra here?» The pharmacist answers ... Читать далее...