The College Food Chain
THE DEAN Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Talks with God
PROFESSOR Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR Barely clears a quonset hut Loses tug of war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occassionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Treads water Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR Climbs walls continually Rides the rails Plays Russian Roulette Walks on thin ice Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings Says “Look at the choo-choo” Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance She IS God.
Related topics:
- A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, “A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.” One student stands up and says, “Professor, […]...
- A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis. The professor commented, “Oh, no, I wanted it the other way.” She replied, “What other […]...
- College bar joke When I was in college our RA told us of a good one that (supposedly) some friends had pulled a couple of years earlier. These two guys made up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender, and filled a hot water bottle with it. One of them took the […]...
- How does physics save lives? One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” “To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted. “It […]...
- Very dangerous mix This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and […]...
- Preparing a Paper Student: I wonder if I could ask you some questions about our paper, professor. Do you want us to Cite our Sources in the Footnotes? Professor: You should use Endnotes for longer explanations. Otherwise, just follow the Style sheet I passed out for Citations in your paper. Student: I see. And what about the Cover […]...
- Перевод слова bullet Bullet – пуля Перевод слова Bullet wound – пулевое ранение to shoot a bullet – выпустить пулю wild bullet – шальная пуля The Bullet lodged in her shoulder. Пуля попала ей в плечо. A Bullet whistled past him. Пули просвистели мимо. He was killed by an assassin’s Bullet. Он погиб от пули убийцы....
- Worries while flying Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that […]...
- Значение идиомы by leaps and bounds [by leaps and bounds] {adv. phr.} With long steps; very rapidly. Production in the factory was increasing by leaps and bounds. The school enrollment was going up by leaps and bounds....
- American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: – All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: – Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books […]...
- Winnie The???? “Winnie The????” It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she […]...
- A college professor’s going to bed with his wife A college professor’s going to bed with his wife. He’s not that tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he’s reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot… “Kitza kitza…” She says, “Will you stop that! Will you stop […]...
- Значение идиомы fall asleep at the switch [fall asleep at the switch] {v. phr.} To fail to perform anexpected task; be remiss in one’s duty. The two airplanes wouldn’thave collided, if the control tower operator hadn’t fallen asleep atthe switch. The dean promised our department $250,000 but thefoundation never sent the money because someone in the dean’s officefell asleep at the switch....
- The evils of marijuana A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, “Used regularly,” he explained, “pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!” “Now wait a minute, professor,” interrupted a student. […]...
- Значение идиомы College Boards [College Boards] {n.} A set of examinations given to test a student’s readiness and ability for college. John got a high score on his College Boards. College Boards test both what a student has learned and his ability to learn....
- Legal Problems I was reading the newspaper this morning and saw a story about a university student Arrested and Charged with Burglary and Assault. Last Monday, this student hit a Security guard over the head, Broke into his professor’s office, and Stole the professor’s computer. He wasn’t doing well in the class and thought that he could […]...
- Перевод слова engine Engine – двигатель, мотор Перевод слова Barring engine – пусковой двигатель engine is dead – мотор заглох to decelerate the engine – сбрасывать обороты двигателя Gun the Engine! Давай газу! He got into the driving seat and started the Engine. Он сел за руль и завел двигатель. The Engine has burned out. Двигатель перегрелся....
- Man walks into a supermarket and buys Man walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner The girl at the checkout looks at him and says “Single are you?” The man replies very sarcastically “How did you […]...
- Значение идиомы chicken switch [chicken switch] {n.}, {slang}, {Space English} 1. The emergency eject button used by test pilots in fast and high flying aircraft by means of which they can parachute to safety if the engine fails; later adopted by astronauts in space capsules. Don’t pull the chicken switch, unless absolutely necessary. 2. The panic button; a panicky […]...
- There was a man and woman traveling along in their car There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.” The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did […]...
- Значение идиомы pigeonhole [pigeonhole] {n.} 1. Small compartment for internal mail in anoffice or a department. “You can just put your late exam into mypigeonhole,” said Professor Brown to the concerned student. 2. One ofthe small compartments in a desk or cabinet. He keeps his cufflinksin a pigeonhole in his desk....
- College Dorm On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the […]...
- Перевод слова switch Switch – переключатель; махать, делать резкие движения, менять Перевод слова Change-tune switch – радио переключатель диапазонов knife switch – рубильник to switch one’s whip – помахивать хлыстом she switched the cloth off the table – она сдернула скатерть со стола She found the light Switch by feel. Она нашла выключатель на ощупь. Will someone Switch […]...
- College cafeteria joke Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), […]...
- Chemistry song 06 Quantum Chemistry On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum Chemistry. On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a double integral and an exam in Quantum Chemistry. On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a double integral, and […]...
- Some professions A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. […]...
- Значение идиомы asleep at the switch [asleep at the switch] {adj. phr.} 1. Asleep when it is one’s duty to move a railroad switch for cars to go on the right track. The new man was asleep at the switch and the two trains crashed. 2. {informal} Failing to act promptly as expected, not alert to an opportunity. When the ducks […]...
- Перевод слова professor Professor – профессор, преподаватель Перевод слова Former University professor – бывший преподаватель университета professor of sociology – преподаватель социологии a promotion to the rank of professor – присвоение звания профессора The new Professor always pontificates. Новый профессор всегда занимался догматическими разглагольствованиями. He looked like a nutty Professor. Он выглядел как полоумный профессор. The Professor flunked […]...
- And yet another college dorm joke I have lived in several different houses with a bunch of guys. Needless to say things got pretty rowdy sometimes and many were victims of some pretty funny jokes. One of the favorites as I recall (and still is) is to go into the bathroom while the victim is taking a shower, and pour a […]...
- Перевод слова powerful Powerful – мощный, сильный, могущественный Перевод слова Powerful hand – сильная рука powerful country – могущественная страна powerful drug – сильнодействующее лекарство He has Powerful connections. У него есть очень влиятельные знакомые. He ran Powerful fast. Он бежал очень быстро. Powerful nations usually dominate over small weak countries. Сильные государства обычно доминируют над слабыми странами. […]...
- What is the most damaging food? A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is […]...
- Перевод идиомы by leaps and bounds, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: by leaps and bounds Перевод: очень быстро, стремительно, быстрыми темпами Пример: The construction of the new airport is progressing by leaps and bounds. Строительство нового аэропорта продвигается быстрыми темпами....
- Перевод слова department Department – отдел, отделение, кафедра; магазин Перевод слова Department-store chain – сеть крупных универмагов research department – отдел исследований sociology department – кафедра социологии Cooking is not my Department. Кулинария – это не моя область. Our Department has a staff of seven. Персонал нашей кафедры – семь сотрудников. He was selected to head the Department. […]...
- Ordering Food Delivery Order clerk: Hello, Torino’s Restaurant. Nancy: Hello, I’d like To place a Delivery order. Order clerk: Can I have your address and the Major cross streets, please? Nancy: It’s 1212 Main Street, and the nearest cross streets are Speedway and Highland. Order clerk: Okay, it looks like you’re in our Delivery area. What would you […]...
- Перевод слова student Student – студент, курсант Перевод слова Student-curated exhibition – выставка, организованная студентами student demonstration – студенческая демонстрация student driver – лицо, обучающееся вождению She was an average Student. Она была обычной студенткой. Assign each Student a partner. Назначьте каждому студенту напарника. He is a Student of the occult. Он изучает оккультизм....
- 35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet 35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean, Suddenly, a Message is announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late” “Damn!” Said the Irishman, 10 mins later, “I’m sorry people Engine #3 has died, We’ll be 1 hour late” 20 […]...
- Chain Letter Type III Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen […]...
- Значение идиомы short list [short list] or [short-listed] {v. phr.} To place on the list ofselect finalists for a job. Only three of the twenty-sevenapplicants were short-listed for the assistant professorial vacancy inour department....
- Chain Letter Type lI Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down) Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he’ll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not *that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made […]...
- Types of Students in School Cheech: Is this your old Yearbook? Boo: Yeah, I found it while cleaning out my closet. Cheech: Look at your picture! You look like you were an Honor roll student. Boo: Don’t be fooled. I was just an average student, not the Valedictorian, but not a Dropout either. Cheech: Who is that? She’s very pretty. […]...