She changed me

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1. Nothing changedOn the eve of the couple’s tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. «You know honey,» she said, «I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married.» «Yeah?» the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. «I wish to ... Читать далее...
2. Irish LaughsCasey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, «If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.» Casey mumbled, «If it ... Читать далее...
3. True loveThree men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, «For her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me ... Читать далее...
4. Changed HR policiesCasual Fridays: Week 1 — Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 — Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles ... Читать далее...
5. Wife-taming methodTwo married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, «You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. ... Читать далее...
6. The doctor had just completed his examinationThe doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty. «I would suggest to you, young lady,» began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, «that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start ... Читать далее...
7. Following a bitter divorceFollowing a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and sneered, «You know, I was a fool when I married you.» The wife simply sighed and replied, «Yes, dear, I know, but I was in love and didn’t really notice.»...
8. The woman is on fireA lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. ... Читать далее...
9. Short gender jokesA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more ... Читать далее...
10. What Not to Name Your DogEverybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog «Sex». When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said «I’d like one too.» But then I said «This is a dog.» He said he didn’t care what she looked ... Читать далее...
11. A hundred dollarsA man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. «Out drinking again!?» she says. «How much money did you spend this time?» «$100,» answers the man. «$100!» she shouts. «That’s ridiculous, spending that much in one night!» «Easy for you ... Читать далее...
12. The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morningThe new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. «Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?» The Vicar ... Читать далее...
13. BassQ: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one — but the guitarist has to show him first. Q: How many bass players does ... Читать далее...
14. Now he’s in troubleA police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, «what’s the problem officer?» To which the policeman responded, «I stopped you for running that red light behind you.» Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and ... Читать далее...
15. Devil herselfA fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the ... Читать далее...
16. Значение идиомы all hours[all hours] {n. phr.}, {informal} Late or irregular times. The boy’s mother said he must stop coming home for meals at all hours. He stayed up till all hours of the night to finish his school work....
17. This rich couple were going out for the eveningThis rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn’t having a good time at the ... Читать далее...
18. Going crazy with confusionA psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, «How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?» He got the following reply. «Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then ... Читать далее...
19. Marriage quotes 04A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Borge Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. An archaeologist ... Читать далее...
20. Значение идиомы in the running[in the running] {adj.} or {adv. phr.} Having a chance to win; notto be counted out; among those who might win. At the beginning ofthe last lap of the race, only two horses were still in the running. A month before Joyce married Hal, three of Joyce’s boyfriendsseemed to be still in the running. Al ... Читать далее...
21. Marital SexWhile making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: «What happened, did I hurt you?» «Why no, not at all,» said his surprised wife. «Whatever made you ... Читать далее...
22. How a movie changed one man’s vision foreverBruce Bridgeman lived with a flat view of the world, until a trip to the cinema unexpectedly rewired his brain to see the world in 3D. The question is how it happened. Good movies change people’s view of the world all the time, but how many can say a movie has fundamentally altered their vision ... Читать далее...
23. SCHEDULE OF A MANA MAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because «alarm didn’t work». 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while «enjoying» favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at ... Читать далее...
24. Marriage quotes 11My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one ... Читать далее...
25. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGEGetting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, ... Читать далее...
26. Marriage quotes 03There was a man who said, «I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late!» Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense. When a ... Читать далее...
27. Gift tombstonesA husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: «Here lies my wife…..cold as ever» Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: «Here lies my husband…..stiff at last»...
28. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an AmericanA Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. «Last night I made love to my wife four times,» the Frenchman bragged, «and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored ... Читать далее...
29. On their first night to be togetherOn their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, «my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.» The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. ... Читать далее...
30. Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider thisHusband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back ... Читать далее...
31. Значение идиомы to the bitter end[to the bitter end] {adv. phr.} To the point of completion orconclusion. — Used especially of a very painful or unpleasant task orexperience. Although Mrs. Smith was bored by the lecture, shestayed to the bitter end. They knew the war would be lost, but themen fought to the bitter end....
32. I was out with one of my best drinking buddiesI was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, «Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is… well… my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs… she’s hardly ever in the mood for sex… I guess what ... Читать далее...
33. Following a Dress CodeTae: What are you doing? Why are you taking all of my clothes out of my suitcase? I just finished Packing that. Nicole: You’ve packed all of the wrong things. We’re going on a Luxury cruise and all you’ve packed are shorts and t-shirts. Tae: I’m going on vacation and I don’t have To dress ... Читать далее...
34. I think I try a nicer approachEvery night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let ... Читать далее...
35. Перевод слова bitterBitter — горький Перевод слова Bitter taste — горький вкус bitter moment — горькая минута bitter cold — страшный холод Cocoa beans have a Bitter flavor. Какао-бобы имеют горький вкус. It was Bitter cold. Был пронизывающий холод. The countries are still Bitter enemies. Страны до сих пор являются злейшими врагами. Интересные факты Биттер — группа ... Читать далее...
36. A police officer came upon a terrible wreckA police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said «I wish you could talk.» The monkey looked up at ... Читать далее...
37. This redneck gets married, but on his wedding nightThis redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn’t know what to do. He’s fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, «Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s’pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!» …So he got his bowling bowl ... Читать далее...
38. Man and wife at the zooIt’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one ... Читать далее...
39. Changed my mind!This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, «I hope you don’t mind but ... Читать далее...
40. Out All Night DrinkingAn Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat ... Читать далее...