Qualifying for Heaven

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1. A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They […]...
2. A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three […]...
3. Pick Heaven or Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have […]...
4. Marrying and divorcing in Heaven It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. […]...
5. Policemen in Heaven St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” “I was a policeman,” he responded. “What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. “I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.” “Wonderful my son, […]...
6. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. “Now, […]...
7. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, “You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.” Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, I spent […]...
8. Fidel dies and goes to heaven Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself […]...
9. It finally happened A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I’m really curious… What does Hell look like?” So Saint Peter thought about it a […]...
10. Accountant in Heaven An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a […]...
11. A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He’s stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed: “You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in […]...
12. Dealing with a lawyer A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in […]...
13. Entering into Heaven A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?” The man says, “Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.” Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?” “Baptist.” “Go to room 18, but be very quiet […]...
14. Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:”I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand.” St. Peter says:”You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in.” The second says:”I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands.” […]...
15. Hillary goes to heaven Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ‘somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.” So Hillary sits down […]...
16. The Road to Heaven A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to […]...
17. Перевод слова heaven Heaven – небеса, небо; царство небесное, рай Перевод слова The broad expanse of heaven – широкий свод небес a map of the heavens – карта звездного неба the kingdom of heaven – царство небесное The windows of Heaven opened. Разверзлись хляби небесные. Earth’s loveliness or Heaven’s sublimity. Красота земли или величавость небес. I would move […]...
18. When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 – You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.” “Oh, yes. I’ll never […]...
19. Clinton is in Heaven President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton”. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit […]...
20. Get money to heaven A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to […]...
21. Musician Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, “I can do that!” Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach […]...
22. Baseball in Heaven Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come […]...
23. Значение идиомы seventh heaven [seventh heaven] {n. phr.}, {literary} The pinnacle of happiness. We were in seventh heaven when the helicopter flew us over themagnificent Grand Canyon....
24. Значение идиомы move heaven and earth [move heaven and earth] {v. phr.} To try every way; do everythingyou can. Joe moved heaven and earth to be sent to Washington. Compare: LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED....
25. Перевод сленгового выражения stink to high heaven, значение и пример использования Сленговое выражение: stink to high heaven Перевод: быть отвратительным или быть очень низкого качества Пример: That barnyard stinks to high heaven. Этот скотный двор воняет на несколько километров. Most Sylvester Stallone movies stink to high heaven – they’re just terrible! Большинство фильмов Сильвестра Сталлоне очень низкого качества – они просто ужасные!...
26. Перевод идиомы seventh heaven, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: seventh heaven Перевод: седьмое небо; состояние сильного восхищения, удовольствия, наслаждения, и т. п. Пример: The girl has been in seventh heaven since she got the music award. Эта девушка на седьмом небе от счастья с тех пор, как получила музыкальную премию....
27. 3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven 3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I […]...
28. Перевод слова garbage Garbage – отбросы, мусор Перевод слова Garbage dump – мусорная свалка to collect the garbage – собирать мусор to dispose of garbage – избавляться от мусора Please take out the Garbage. Пожалуйста, вынеси мусор. Throw the can in the Garbage. Выбрось банку в мусор. The fee pays for Garbage pickup. Этот сбор платят за вывоз […]...
29. Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.” Ford thinks about it and says, “I wanna […]...
30. This fellow dies and goes to heaven This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions. Guy: “Why are girls so pretty?” God: “So you’ll like them.” Guy: “Why are girls soft?” God: “So you’ll like them.” Guy: “Why are girls so dumb?” God: “So they’ll like you.”...
31. Three girls died and were brought to the gates Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.” “Which is…?”, they replied in unison. “Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl. […]...
32. Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. “Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that […]...
33. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates. “Fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”...
34. Twenty men die and go to heaven Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives. After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first […]...
35. Little Johny being literal Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad’s do for a living. Little Mary says: “My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.” Little Jack says: “My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.” All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. […]...
36. A Hero A large crowd had formed at the Pearly Gates, when Saint Peter came out with an announcement. “Because Heaven has become overcrowded, we can only let heroes in today. Is anyone here a hero?” One small man raised his hand. “I am,” he said. “What did you do that was heroic?” asked Saint Peter skeptically. […]...
37. Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, “What did you do on Earth?” Man #1: I was a doctor. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #2: I was a school teacher. […]...
38. Christmas flavor Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas […]...
39. An old man was critically ill An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?” “It’s $50,000,” the lawyer said. “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?” “That’s my business! […]...
40. Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.” “And what do you want?” asked St. Peter. “Lemme in!” replied Clinton. “Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and […]...