Peanuts

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1. I just ate those peanutsA man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes ... Читать далее...
2. This man was having problems getting it up to have sexThis man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife’s pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his ... Читать далее...
3. Describing Aches and PainsNivia: Why are you walking Funny? Michael: Oh, I Pulled a muscle in my right leg while playing with my kids last weekend. It’s hard to walk without feeling a Twinge of Pain. Nivia: I’m sorry to hear that. Why are you sitting in that Awkward position? Michael: I Strained my back while exercising. Initially, ... Читать далее...
4. This rich couple were going out for the eveningThis rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn’t having a good time at the ... Читать далее...
5. A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a barA man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. «Would you ... Читать далее...
6. A mother-daughter conversationA mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it’s like for her. Mom: So….now that you have started dating, what’s it like getting intimate with ... Читать далее...
7. After a couple of years a couple wanted to have childrenAfter a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. «Don’t worry,» he said, «Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.» So he went home feeling ... Читать далее...
8. Значение идиомы nose[nose] See: COUNT HEADS or COUNT NOSES, CUT OFF ONE’S NOSE TO SPITEONE’S FACE, FOLLOW ONE’S NOSE, GO INTO A TAIL SPIN or GO INTO A NOSEDIVE, HARD-NOSED, KEEP ONE’S NOSE CLEAN, KEEP ONE’S NOSE TO THEGRINDSTONE, LEAD BY THE NOSE, LOOK DOWN ONE’S NOSE AT, ON THE NOSE, PAY THROUGH THE NOSE, PUT ONE’S ... Читать далее...
9. Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blondeThree women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: » OOOOOhhh that looks like semen.» She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says «It feels like ... Читать далее...
10. Someone really stinksA young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, «Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s ... Читать далее...
11. A man comes to a doctor andA man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, «Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?» «Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!» announces a proud physician, «They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You ... Читать далее...
12. Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate HarryMick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before. «Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then ... Читать далее...
13. I think I try a nicer approachEvery night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let ... Читать далее...
14. The first time I went to a drug store to buy condomsThe first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn’t sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, «Compared to what?» She held up one finger and asked if I ... Читать далее...
15. A couple of geezers were sittingA couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. «How are you, Tom?» asked Marvin. «I’m not feeling well today — utterly exhausted,» Tom replied. «I pulled a muscle and it’s killing me.» «That pulled muscle shouldn’t make you so tired, though.» «Well, it does if you ... Читать далее...
16. Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversationTwo men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, «You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter ... Читать далее...
17. How to call penisAt a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a ... Читать далее...
18. I know you were drunk yesterdayA fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his ... Читать далее...
19. Значение идиомы mouth[mouth] See: BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN ONE’S MOUTH, BUTTERWOULDN’T MELT IN ONE’S MOUTH, BY WORD OF MOUTH, DOWN IN THE DUMPS orDOWN IN THE MOUTH, FOAM AT THE MOUTH, HEART IN ONE’S MOUTH, KEEP ONE’SMOUTH SHUT, LAUGH ON THE WRONG SIDE OF ONE’S MOUTH, LEAVE A BAD TASTEIN ONE’S MOUTH, LIVE FROM HAND ... Читать далее...
20. A man was taking his wifeA man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, «Don’t worry, everybody ... Читать далее...
21. Where are the fingers?Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, «Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.» Jon says, «I haven’t got the fingers.» The doctor says, «What do ... Читать далее...
22. You Can Never Really Go BackYou Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, «Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.» «Yeah,» she replied, «Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова noseNose — нос, чутье, нюх Перевод слова A dog with a good nose — собака с хорошим чутьем to have a nose for news — умение выведать все, что случилось to blow one’s nose — сморкаться nose drops — капли от насморка His Nose is very long. У него очень длинный нос. He scrunched his ... Читать далее...
24. One night, as a couple lay down for bedThis joke sucks…. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, «I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.» The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ... Читать далее...
25. This man was sitting quietly reading his paperThis man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: «What was that for?» Wife: «What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written ... Читать далее...
26. Egg jokeIn a similar vein, tell your victim that you have a test of coordination you would like him to try with you. Find a door with a fairly large crack between the door and the wall when the door is open. (You know, over by the hinges; across the width of the door from the ... Читать далее...
27. Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his ageLittle Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to ... Читать далее...
28. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they wereThree guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and ... Читать далее...
29. Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinksThree women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, ... Читать далее...
30. Перевод слова fingersFingers — пальцы Перевод слова Dexterous fingers — ловкие пальцы to count on one’s fingers — считать на пальцах to snap one’s fingers — щелкать пальцами He snapped his Fingers. Он щелкнул пальцами. We ate with our Fingers. Мы ели руками. His Fingers turned to thumbs. Его пальцы одеревенели. Происхождение слова fingers Множественное число для ... Читать далее...
31. A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adoptA couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each ... Читать далее...
32. Значение идиомы look down one’s nose at[look down one’s nose at] {v. phr.}, {informal} To think of asworthless; feel scorn for. The banker’s wife has beautiful chinacups, and she looked down her nose at the plastic cups that Mrs. Brownused. Harry has never had to work, and he looks down his nose atpeople in business. Jerry was the athlete who looked ... Читать далее...
33. Better than SexA solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back ... Читать далее...
34. The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospitalThe medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, «Sol, I’m happy ... Читать далее...
35. While enjoying a drink with a mate one nightWhile enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into ... Читать далее...
36. Being Affectionate in PublicNelly: Look at that Couple over there. What they’re doing is Indecent! Sadat: Where? Oh, you mean those two people Hugging and Kissing? That’s not indecent. Nelly: They’re not just hugging and kissing. That girl is Sitting on her boyfriend’s lap and they’re Making out in the middle of a Public place. They need To ... Читать далее...
37. A fellow decides to take off early from workA fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he ... Читать далее...
38. A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a groupA young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say «Hi there little boy!!» One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. ... Читать далее...
39. A guy was trying to console a friendA guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man. «Get over it, buddy,» he said. «It’s not the end of the world.» «It’s all right for you to say,» answered his buddy. «But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed ... Читать далее...
40. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an AmericanA Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. «Last night I made love to my wife four times,» the Frenchman bragged, «and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored ... Читать далее...