Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years

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1. A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty yearsA farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he’s been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. «No! I’m not doing it anymore!» ... Читать далее...
2. Bad Bernie was in prison for seven yearsBad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, «F. F.» His wife turned to him and answered, «E. F.» Out on the highway, he ... Читать далее...
3. Перевод слова twentyTwenty — двадцать Перевод слова Twenty caissons of ammunition — двадцать ящиков с боеприпасами twenty head of cattle — двадцать голов рогатого скота he is twenty — ему двадцать лет I’ve known her for Twenty years. Я знаю ее двадцать лет. Step off Twenty paces. Отсчитай двадцать шагов. He hit me for Twenty dollars. Он ... Читать далее...
4. A young boy, about eight years old, was at the cornerA young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner «Mom & Pop» grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. «Oh, no laundry,» the boy said, «I’m going to ... Читать далее...
5. World’s oldest man, a Holocaust survivor in Israel, to celebrate bar mitzvah 100 years lateJERUSALEM (JTA) — The world’s oldest man, 113-year-old Yisrael Kristal, a Holocaust survivor living in Israel, will celebrate his bar mitzvah. Kristal’s daughter, Shulimath Kristal Kuperstoch, told the DPA news agency that about 100 family members will gather in Kristal’s home city of Haifa in the coming weeks to mark the rite. «We will bless ... Читать далее...
6. Перевод идиомы up in years / advanced in years / along in years / on in years, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: up in years / advanced in years / along in years / on in years Перевод: старый, пожилой Пример: Although our grandparents are up in years they still have much energy. Хоть наши дедушка и бабушка уже пожилые, они все еще полны энергии....
7. Reward for goodnessThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, «I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, ... Читать далее...
8. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, «Do you know what I’m doing?» «Yes,» she replied, ... Читать далее...
9. A couple married forty years were revisiting theA couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, «Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here forty years ago.» The guy stopped the car. His ... Читать далее...
10. An old retired man goes to his wife one dayAn old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, «I don’t know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I’m afraid we’re broke.» The wife says, «No, we’re not. Let’s go for a drive into town.» Husband replies, «Our savings are all gone and you ... Читать далее...
11. Ne day, this man, Tony, diedOne day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could ... Читать далее...
12. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversaryA man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, «When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?» The husband replied, «All I wanted to do ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова cancerCancer — рак, беда, бедствие Перевод слова A cancer — раковая опухоль cancer detection centre — онкологический центр liver cancer — рак печени He died of Cancer last month. Он умер от рака в прошлом месяце. «How did she die?»She had Cancer.» «Как она умерла?»У нее был рак.» She works in the Cancer ward. Она ... Читать далее...
14. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
15. My twenty centsTom : I found twenty cents on the sidewalk. Jim : That’s mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning. Tom : But, what I found was two ten-cent coins! Jim : That’s it. I heard it break when it hit the ground....
16. Twenty men die and go to heavenTwenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives. After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first ... Читать далее...
17. A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three yearsA company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and ... Читать далее...
18. Marriage quotes 04A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married — but his wife wasn’t. — Borge Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy. An archaeologist ... Читать далее...
19. A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walkedA visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. «Hi,» he said, «I’m new in town. Can I buy you a drink?» «Get lost,» she remarked, «I am Lesbian.» «Oh, really?» he asked, «How are things in Beiruit?»...
20. After years of psychotherapyAfter years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified. «Why are you so afraid, you’re not a grain of wheat after all,» his friend asked. John replied, «You know it and I know it, but ... Читать далее...
21. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGEGetting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, ... Читать далее...
22. Armando asksArmando went to his neighbor and asked, «Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?» «No,» says Carlos. Armando asks, «Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?» «No,» says Carlos. «Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so ... Читать далее...
23. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a questionWhy lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, «Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?» She responded, «Why, yes I do know ... Читать далее...
24. As US tourists in IsraelAs US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. «America,» the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the ... Читать далее...
25. From rescuer to rescued: Doctor and paramedic save each other’s lives 30 years apartWhen Dr Michael Shannon saved the life of a premature baby 30 years ago, he would never have thought decades later, the favour would be returned. KTLA reported on Sunday the incredible story of two men in California who saved each other’s lives in two very different ways. The news station said that Dr Michael ... Читать далее...
26. When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money andWhen Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, «Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.» «Don’t be stupid, Joe,» said the psychiatrist. «My wife ran ... Читать далее...
27. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the marketThere was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a ... Читать далее...
28. The woman’s secretAt a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. «No woman,» said one man, scornfully, «can keep a secret.» «I don’t know about that,» huffily answered a woman guest. «I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.» «You’ll let it out some day,» the ... Читать далее...
29. Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-togetherTwo Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. «Let’s have a drink like we did in the old days,» the first Scot winked at his mate. «Aye,» his mate replied. «And don’t forget it’s your ... Читать далее...
30. Hair sprayA man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side ... Читать далее...
31. A rural Frenchman was on trialA rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, «Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?»...
32. An elderly couple, still very loving after all these yearsAn elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again — the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live ... Читать далее...
33. Let him digAn old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. «When I die I will dig my way up and out ... Читать далее...
34. Saving the situationAfter attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, «What the hell happened?» «As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,» replied the wife. «Piss on him,» answered the husband. «You did,» said the wife, «and he fired ... Читать далее...
35. For many years, the border between Poland and RussiaFor many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole. Thrilled, he told his Wife, «Thank God! No more of those freezing Russian winters.»...
36. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his homeA hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, «When did you bag him?» The host said proudly, «That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.» «What’s he stuffed with,» asked the visiting hunter. «My ex-wife» ... Читать далее...
37. After a couple of years a couple wanted to have childrenAfter a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked. So they went to a doctor, and got checked over. The doctor took time to reassure them. «Don’t worry,» he said, «Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.» So he went home feeling ... Читать далее...
38. A man was taking his wifeA man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, «Don’t worry, everybody ... Читать далее...
39. A couple have not been getting along for yearsA couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, «I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.» Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, «Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?» ... Читать далее...
40. A man went to the doctor to get a physicalA man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news… he had cancer and alzheimers. The man replied, » Well, at least I don’t have cancer»...