Criminal steals lumber

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1. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
2. ConfessionThe new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, «Father, I never wears panties under my habit.» The priest chuckles and says, «That’s not so serious. Say five Hail ... Читать далее...
3. The same thingA married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, «I had an affair with a woman… almost.» The priest says, «what do you mean almost?» The man says, «Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.» The priest replies, «Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not ... Читать далее...
4. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...
5. Falling downThere’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, «If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!» Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would ... Читать далее...
6. This fellow comes to confessionThis fellow comes to confession. «Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.» The priest asked, «What did you do, my son?» «I lusted,» the fellow replied. «Tell me about it,» the priest said. The fellow then related his story. «Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in ... Читать далее...
7. Tommy goes into a confessional box and saysTommy goes into a confessional box and says, «Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.» The Priest says, «Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says «Yes father, it’s me.» The Priest says «Who was the woman you were with?» Tommy says «I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t ... Читать далее...
8. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priestA boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said «Thank you, virgin Father!» The priest replied, «What did you say?» The boy repeated, «Thank ... Читать далее...
9. A catholic lithanyA man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. «A priest. Somebody get me a priest!» the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. «A ... Читать далее...
10. The priest was preparing a manThe priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, «Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!» The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, «Why do you refuse to ... Читать далее...
11. Man Posing as Walmart Employee Sends Away Cashier, Steals Money From RegisterA man posing as a Walmart employee took over a cash register at a Fairfax County store and stole money after checking out a customer, police say. The man, who was wearing a Walmart employee vest, entered the store in the 13000 block of Fair Lakes Shopping Center in Fairfax, Virginia, at around 4 p. ... Читать далее...
12. One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stallOne day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew ... Читать далее...
13. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogueA priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out ... Читать далее...
14. The girl knelt in the confessional and saidThe girl knelt in the confessional and said, «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.» «What is it, child?» «Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.» The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and ... Читать далее...
15. A couple of blonde men in a pickup truckA couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, «We need some four-by-twos.» The clerk said, «You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?» The man said, «I’ll go check,» and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, ... Читать далее...
16. Sentencing a CriminalNancy: Hey, where have you been? Geraldo: I’ve been in the other courtroom watching the Sentencing of that Murderer. Nancy: Which murderer? Geraldo: The one who failed To get the charges reduced through a Plea agreement. During the Trial, her attorneys tried to show that there were Mitigating circumstances, but the Judge didn’t Buy it. ... Читать далее...
17. Irish religion jokesBoyle sat in a Belfast confessional. «Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,» he said. «I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!» «All right, my son,» admonished the priest. «For penance, finish off the stations!» Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, «Thank you, ... Читать далее...
18. An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharingAn Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying «I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, «I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd ... Читать далее...
19. It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agencyIt seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby. They waded through ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова priestPriest — священник Перевод слова To ordain a priest — посвящать в духовный сан priest’s trappings — внешние атрибуты священника priest brethren — братья в священстве We thanked the Priest for his kind words. Мы поблагодарили священника за теплые слова. A Priest, vested in surplice. Священник, облаченный в стихарь. A Priest has eased me of ... Читать далее...
21. Camel DiedCamel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun «I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and ... Читать далее...
22. Перевод слова criminalCriminal — преступный, криминальный, уголовный Перевод слова Criminal case — уголовное дело criminal code — уголовный кодекс criminal conspiracy — преступный заговор The judge put the Criminal away for ten years Судья приговорил преступника к десяти годам тюрьмы. Is there a case on in the Central Criminal Court? Рассматривается ли сейчас какое-либо дело в Центральном ... Читать далее...
23. Jon starts working in a lumber campJon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, «We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.» Jon says, «Why not Thursday?» The boss says, «Because Thursday ... Читать далее...
24. Pray hardA lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, «Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.» «What do they say?» the priest inquired. «They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?» «That’s obscene!» the priest exclaimed, ... Читать далее...
25. These two guys had just gotten divorcesThese two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s ... Читать далее...
26. GIRL’S CONFESSIONGIRL’S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. «So me and my cousin were alone in the house,» she continued, «and went up to my bedroom…» «Go on, my child,» said the priest gently. «I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on ... Читать далее...
27. A priest is walking down the street one day whenA priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer ... Читать далее...
28. What causes people to have arthritisA man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the ... Читать далее...
29. What causes arthritis?A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled ... Читать далее...
30. A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty yearsA farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he’s been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. «No! I’m not doing it anymore!» ... Читать далее...
31. The woman’s secretAt a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. «No woman,» said one man, scornfully, «can keep a secret.» «I don’t know about that,» huffily answered a woman guest. «I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.» «You’ll let it out some day,» the ... Читать далее...
32. Значение идиомы build up[build up] {v.} 1. To make out of separate pieces or layers; construct from parts. Johnny built up a fort out of large balls of snow. Lois built up a cake of three layers. 2. To cover over or fill up with buildings. The fields where Tom’s father played as a boy are all built ... Читать далее...
33. A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole outA young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. «Oh,» says the older priest, «give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents.»...
34. Driving home very drunkIt seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before ... Читать далее...
35. Getting in an accidentA Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, «So you’re a ... Читать далее...
36. Перевод слова secretSecret — секрет, секретный, тайный Перевод слова Secret diplomacy — тайная дипломатия secret decampment — тайное бегство, побег secret fund — секретный фонд The Secret came out. Секрет раскрылся. She had a Secret sorrow. У нее было горе о котором она никому не рассказывала. My Secret will die with me. Моя тайна умрет вместе со ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова buildBuild — строить; телосложение Перевод слова To build a railway — строить железную дорогу heavy build — крепкое телосложение to build up muscles — наращивать мускулы He has a slim Build. У него худощавое телосложение. You have to Build up trust. Вы должны выстроить доверие. Birds Build nests by instinct. Птицы строят гнезда инстинктивно....
38. Marrying and divorcing in HeavenIt seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. ... Читать далее...
39. Sex on SabbathA man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, «My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex ... Читать далее...
40. A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sinA man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, » My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that ... Читать далее...