Confessions

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1. Returning from her vacationReturning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. «But you just had two weeks off,» said the boss. «Why didn’t you get married then?» «What and ruin my vacation?» she whined....
2. During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rapeDuring World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, «In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!» So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, «In ... Читать далее...
3. Sweet, Sweet Road RageAn elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, «I was going to park there!» The ... Читать далее...
4. Значение идиомы shoulder to shoulder[shoulder to shoulder] {adv. phr.} 1. One beside the other;together. The three boys were shoulder to shoulder all during theworking hours. Compare: SIDE BY SIDE. 2. Each helping the other; inagreement; together. — Often used with «stand». We can win thefight if we all stand shoulder to shoulder. Compare: SEE EYE TO EYE....
5. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
6. Перевод слова fourteenFourteen — четырнадцать Перевод слова There were fourteen of them — их было четырнадцать fourteen times as much — в четырнадцать раз больше children of fourteen and over — дети четырнадцати лет и старше The cavity goes back some Fourteen inches. Полость уходит вглубь на четырнадцать дюймов. Let them stand to digest twelve or Fourteen ... Читать далее...
7. Someone really stinksA young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, «Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s ... Читать далее...
8. Who’s got a bigger crotch?There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, «My husband can get his whole hand up me». The second lady said, «My husband can get his whole head up me». The third lady slid down the bar stool....
9. Together againMaria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, «At least they’re finally together.» A guy sitting in ... Читать далее...
10. Перевод идиомы on vacation, значение выражения и пример использованияИдиома: on vacation Перевод: в отпуске Пример: I plan to be on vacation for the first two weeks of March. Я собираюсь отправиться в отпуск в первые две недели марта....
11. Irish Religion HumorFather Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, «Do you want to go to heaven?» The man said, «I do Father.» The priest said, «Then stand over there against the wall.» Then the priest asked the second man, «Do you want to got to heaven?» «Certainly, Father,» ... Читать далее...
12. New person in prisonA new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, «Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the ... Читать далее...
13. Перевод слова shoulderShoulder — плечо; брать на себя; толкать Перевод слова To shoulder other people’s sins — взваливать на себя чужие грехи shoulder to shoulder — плечом к плечу to shrug one’s shoulders — пожимать плечами to shoulder smb. into the room — втолкнуть кого-л. в комнату Lean against my Shoulder. Прислонись к моему плечу. She carried ... Читать далее...
14. First Aid CourseWhen a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. ‘Step aside, lady,’ he barked. ‘I’ve taken a course in first-aid!’ The women watched for a few ... Читать далее...
15. It’s dark in hereA woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there ... Читать далее...
16. A young blonde woman is distraughtA young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband ... Читать далее...
17. An elderly couple, still very loving after all these yearsAn elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again — the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live ... Читать далее...
18. Welfare officeA young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, «Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, «Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his ... Читать далее...
19. A horse and a rabbitA horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. He drives the farmer’s Mercedes ... Читать далее...
20. A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadowA horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s ... Читать далее...
21. Three couples wanted to join a churchThree couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.» The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the ... Читать далее...
22. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confessionThere once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, «Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.» The priest said, «Confess your sins and be forgiven.» The young woman said, «Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.» The priest thought long and hard ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова vacationVacation — отпуск, каникулы, освобождение Перевод слова Christmas vacation — рождественские каникулы vacation of a position — уход с поста; отставка to take a vacation — брать отпуск, уходить в очередной отпуск She was away on Vacation. Она уехала в отпуск. Did you have a good Vacation? Хорошо ли вы провели отпуск? I got a ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы cold shoulder[cold shoulder] {n.}, {informal} Unfriendly treatment of a person, a showing of dislike for a person or of looking down on a person. — Used in the cliches «give the cold shoulder» or «turn a cold shoulder to» or «get the cold shoulder». When Bob asked Mary for a date she gave him the cold ... Читать далее...
25. A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good lookingA young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, «Stop making love down there!» «What’s the matter with you?» the husband said when the sailor climbed down. «We weren’t making love.» «Sorry,» said the sailor, «From ... Читать далее...
26. An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger ladyAn older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the ... Читать далее...
27. A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husbandA wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, «You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!» Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, ... Читать далее...
28. SufferingA young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, «My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.» The counselor turns to her husband and inquires «Is that true?» The husband replies «Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.»...
29. Amusing Jokes about the IrishMrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a ... Читать далее...
30. Pick a starting salaryReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, «And what starting salary were you looking for?» The candidate said, «In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.» The HR Person said, «Well, what would you say to a package of ... Читать далее...
31. After the party, as the couple was driving homeAfter the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, «Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?» The flattered husband said, «No, dear they haven’t.» The wife yells, «Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?»...
32. A young peasant girl of fourteenA young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, «But why?» he asked. «Nothin, I just wanna ... Читать далее...
33. Better relationshipA man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. «Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.» «What’s the problem?» the docotor inquired. «Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.» ... Читать далее...
34. Reaching the end of a job interviewReaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, «And what starting salary were you looking for?» The engineer said, «In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.» The interviewer said, «Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks ... Читать далее...
35. One night, as a couple lay down for bedThis joke sucks…. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, «I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.» The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ... Читать далее...
36. An old man goes to a church, and is making a confessionAn old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a ... Читать далее...
37. Making a Move on SomeoneA. J.: What was going on with you and Tiago in his office earlier today? You two were pretty Cozy in there. Gloria: What? Oh, I was a little Upset about Messing up my presentation in the morning meeting, and Tiago was trying To reassure me about it. A. J.: It looked like he was ... Читать далее...
38. Перевод слова husbandHusband — муж Перевод слова Ex-husband, former husband — бывший муж henpecked husband — подкаблучник to leave one’s husband — оставить мужа My Husband doesn’t cook Мой муж не готовит. She lied to her Husband. Она солгала мужу. She cheats on her Husband. Она изменяет своему мужу....
39. A new statue for the bedroomA woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. «Hurry!» she said, «Stand in the corner.» She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. «Don’t move until I tell you to.» she whispered. «Just pretend you’re a statue.» «What’s ... Читать далее...
40. Understanding Men and WomenLucy: Jeff, Here’s a question. I was Just talking to Dawn. You know, they had their first Wedding anniversary last week. Guess what her husband gave her as a present. Jeff: I don’t know. What? Lucy: He gave her a Vacuum cleaner. Jeff: Didn’t she want a vacuum cleaner? Lucy: Yes, the old one was ... Читать далее...