Confession

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1. Tommy goes into a confessional box and says Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.” The Priest says, “Is that you, Tommy? Tommy says “Yes father, it’s me.” The Priest says “Who was the woman you were with?” Tommy says “I cannot tell you, father, because I don’t […]...
2. The same thing A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.” The priest says, “what do you mean almost?” The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.” The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not […]...
3. A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he’s been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. “No! I’m not doing it anymore!” […]...
4. This fellow comes to confession This fellow comes to confession. “Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?” “I lusted,” the fellow replied. “Tell me about it,” the priest said. The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in […]...
5. There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.” The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.” The priest thought long and hard […]...
6. GIRL’S CONFESSION GIRL’S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl’s confession. “So me and my cousin were alone in the house,” she continued, “and went up to my bedroom…” “Go on, my child,” said the priest gently. “I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on […]...
7. A little girl was playing up a tree near a church A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and […]...
8. On their honeymoon night On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, “I can’t wear your pants.” “That’s right,” intoned the groom, “And don’t you forget it. I’m the one who wears the pants in the family.” The bride […]...
9. A man was driving from New York to San Francisco A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was […]...
10. Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got […]...
11. Criminal steals lumber A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. “What did you take?” his priest asked. “Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two […]...
12. Перевод слова priest Priest – священник Перевод слова To ordain a priest – посвящать в духовный сан priest’s trappings – внешние атрибуты священника priest brethren – братья в священстве We thanked the Priest for his kind words. Мы поблагодарили священника за теплые слова. A Priest, vested in surplice. Священник, облаченный в стихарь. A Priest has eased me of […]...
13. Camel Died Camel Died A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey. The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and […]...
14. Falling down There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would […]...
15. A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest…the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!” The priest replied, “What did you say?” The boy repeated, “Thank […]...
16. Pray hard A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, […]...
17. Перевод слова habit Habit – привычка, обыкновение, склонность Перевод слова To grow into a habit – входить в привычку to fall into bad habits – приобретать дурные привычки a habit of mind – склад ума Habit grows on a person. Привычка овладевает человеком. Soon she returned to her old Habit. Вскоре она возвратилась к своей старой привычке. Jeff […]...
18. The priest was preparing a man The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!” The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to […]...
19. Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the barman Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi’s and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks […]...
20. A catholic lithany A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A […]...
21. One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating. The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew […]...
22. Значение идиомы hail from [hail from] {v.}, {informal} To have your home in; come from; befrom; especially, to have been born and raised in. Mrs. Gardnerhails from Mississippi. Mr. Brown and Mr. White are old friendsbecause they both hail from the same town....
23. A blind man is standing at the corner A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. […]...
24. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out […]...
25. A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker. “Oh,” says the older priest, “give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents.”...
26. Значение идиомы wear well [wear well] {v.} 1. To continue to be satisfactory, useful, orliked for a long time. My old overcoat has worn very well. Their marriage has worn well. That author wears well. Compare:STAND UP. 2. To carry, accept, or treat properly or well. Grandfather wears his years well. Tommy has won many honors buthe wears them […]...
27. Перевод слова secret Secret – секрет, секретный, тайный Перевод слова Secret diplomacy – тайная дипломатия secret decampment – тайное бегство, побег secret fund – секретный фонд The Secret came out. Секрет раскрылся. She had a Secret sorrow. У нее было горе о котором она никому не рассказывала. My Secret will die with me. Моя тайна умрет вместе со […]...
28. An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a […]...
29. Getting in an accident A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a […]...
30. The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: “Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.” The CO said “I see millions of stars.” 1st Sgt.: “And what does that tell you, sir?” CO: Astronomically, it tells […]...
31. Значение идиомы hail-fellow-well-met [hail-fellow-well-met ] {adj. phr.} Talking easily and in afriendly way to everyone you meet. John won the election as classpresident because he was hail-fellow-well-met....
32. Irish Religion Humor Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” […]...
33. An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd […]...
34. Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I […]...
35. Значение идиомы in secret [in secret] {adv. phr.} In a private or secret way; in a hiddenplace. The miser buried his gold in secret and no one knows whereit is. The robbers went away in secret after dark. Compare: INPRIVATE....
36. A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, “So how high can you advance in your organization?” The Priest says “If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.” “Well, could you get any higher than that?” asks the Rabbi. “I suppose that […]...
37. Wear your collar backwards Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, “Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?” The priest says, “Because I’m a father.” Johnny says, “Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.” The priest says “You don’t understand, son. I […]...
38. Clean St. Patrick’s Day Jokes An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!” The priest asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?” The Rabbi responds, “Just a little shaken.” The priest pulls a […]...
39. A priest and a lawyer are walking down A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, “How’d you like to fuck that?” To which the lawyer replied, “Out of what?”...
40. Значение идиомы creature of habit [creature of habit] {n. phr.} A person who does things out of habit rather than by thought. Our boss is a creature of habit, so let us not confuse him with too many new ideas....