Collection 07
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department – by a pair of handcuffs.
Hello – tall, dark and obnoxious!
You remind me of the ocean – you make me sick.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it’s hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It’s for people who are dead from the neck up.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
(1 оценок, среднее: 5.00 из 5)Related topics:
- Collection 04 I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I’ll think so. Man alive! But I wish you weren’t. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead. Is your […]...
- Collection 01 If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair. […]...
- Collection 12 What’s the latest dope – besides you? I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture. You don’t believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself. When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you […]...
- Collection 10 Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance? I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper? You have an inferiority complex – and it’s fully justified. You are not as bad as people say – you are worse! Do you have to leave so soon? […]...
- The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, “I want to be a prostitute.” The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground […]...
- Collection 08 For two cents, I’d give you a piece of my mind – and all of yours. You are the only person I’ve ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the […]...
- One day an older fella was in for a checkup One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. “Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!” “Did I say I was 64?” “Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?” “Damn […]...
- Collection 05 Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It’s your life – but I wish you’d let us have it. Hey, act your age – senile! I’ve had many cases of love that […]...
- Collection 02 Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how […]...
- Collection 09 ClassYou must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high. In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us. You are master in your own house – the doghouse! When you die, I’d like […]...
- A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moooo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?” And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, “Bud.”...
- Some problems A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says: “I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.” “What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I’ll love it. It’s my child and I’ll love it […]...
- Значение идиомы lie in state [lie in state] {v. phr.} Of a dead person: To lie in a place ofhonor, usually in an open coffin, and be seen by the public beforeburial. When the president died, thousands of people saw his bodylying in state....
- Значение идиомы muscle in on [muscle in on] {v. phr.} To intrude; penetrate; force oneself intoanother’s business or territory. The eastern Mafia muscled in onthe western Mafia’s turf and a shooting war was started....
- Collection 11 You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough. If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid. I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. You were the answer […]...
- Collection 14 I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; […]...
- Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter […]...
- Collection 06 We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, “Do not come home and all will be forgiven”. You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. I […]...
- What Not to Name Your Dog Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked […]...
- Marriage quotes 15 All marriages are happy – it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me […]...
- Значение идиомы have it [have it] {v. phr.} 1. To hear or get news; understand. I haveit on the best authority that we will be paid for our work next week. 2. To do something in a certain way. Make up your mind, because youcan’t have it both ways. You must either stay home or come with us. Bobby […]...
- Collection 13 We know that you would give your life for us. Promise! When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity. Well, I’ll see you in my dreams – if I eat too much. Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach. […]...
- Unsafe Factory Conditions Kathy Lee: You won’t find any problems in your Inspection of our Factory. Rashed: I’m glad to hear that. Where do these stairs lead? Kathy Lee: It’s just a level for storage. You don’t need to see that. Rashed: I need to inspect every part of this factory. Please step aside. Kathy Lee: If you […]...
- Blake William – Уильям Блэйк William Blake, English poet, painter and printer, was born on November 28, 1757. You may have read his poems – about the lamb, the tiger, or his sad song about the poor chimney sweep. The strange thing is that in his own time many people thought him mad. Almost a century passed after his death […]...
- Перевод слова hire Hire – нанимать, наем, прокат Перевод слова Bicycles for hire – выдаются велосипеды напрокат to hire workers by the day – нанимать рабочих поденно he was hired to do this job – его наняли для выполнения этой работы We Hired her to mow our lawn. Мы наняли ее косить газон. We paid $50 for the […]...
- The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand was down to two final applicants – one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, “Jim […]...
- A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The […]...
- Значение идиомы in the dark [in the dark] {adj. phr.} 1. In ignorance; without information. John was in the dark about the job he was being sent to. If thegovernment controls the news, it can keep people in the dark on anytopic it chooses. Mary had a letter from Sue yesterday, but shewas left in the dark about Sue’s plans […]...
- Значение идиомы dead to the world [dead to the world] {adj. phr.}, {informal} 1. Fast asleep. Tim went to bed very late and was still dead to the world at 10 o’clock this morning. 2. As if dead; unconscious. Tom was hit on the head by a baseball and was dead to the world for two hours....
- Значение идиомы coffin nail [coffin nail] {n.}, {slang} A cigarette. “I stopped smoking,” Algernon said. “In fact, I haven’t had a coffin nail in well over a year.”...
- Collection 16 At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people – you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one. You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes. They say that travel broadens […]...
- My Family I am Zhilin Andrey. Andrey is my name and Zhilin is my surname. I am seventeen years old. I want to tell you a few words about my family. My family is not large. I have got mother, father and grandmother. There are four of us in the family. First of all some words about […]...
- Take her apart! A young boy asked his mother “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?” “Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his mother The young boy answered ” The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass […]...
- A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, “Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.” The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married twice…” The bride responds… […]...
- Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to […]...
- Collection 03 Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker. People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of. Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick! We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips […]...
- Значение идиомы look to [look to] {v.} 1. To attend to; get ready for; take care of. Plans had been prepared that looked to every possibility. Thepresident assigned a man to look to our needs. 2. To go for help to;depend on. The child looks to his mother to cure his hurts. 3.See: SEE TO....
- Значение идиомы catch dead [catch dead] {v. phr.}, {informal} To see or hear in an embarrassing act or place at any time. Used in the negative usually in the passive. You won’t catch Bill dead taking his sister to the movies. John wouldn’t be caught dead in the necktie he got for Christmas....
- Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, “What’s wrong? What’s the emergency?” “Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It’s disfigured.” “Well, how bad is it? Can I see?” “Follow me, sir.” They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in […]...
- Delivering a baby A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he […]...