Collection 07

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1. Collection 04I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I’ll think so. Man alive! But I wish you weren’t. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead. Is your ... Читать далее...
2. Collection 10Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance? I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper? You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified. You are not as bad as people say — you are worse! Do you have to leave so soon? ... Читать далее...
3. Collection 05Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It’s your life — but I wish you’d let us have it. Hey, act your age — senile! I’ve had many cases of love that ... Читать далее...
4. Collection 01If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair. ... Читать далее...
5. One day an older fella was in for a checkupOne day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. «Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!» «Did I say I was 64?» «Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?» «Damn ... Читать далее...
6. Collection 12What’s the latest dope — besides you? I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture. You don’t believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself. When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you ... Читать далее...
7. A dangerous jobThis guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. «Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?» the service guy asks. «Boy,» is the man’s response. «Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,» says ... Читать далее...
8. Collection 09ClassYou must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high. In the next life, you’ll blaze a way for us. You are master in your own house — the doghouse! When you die, I’d like ... Читать далее...
9. Welfare applicationsFor those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which ... Читать далее...
10. Collection 08For two cents, I’d give you a piece of my mind — and all of yours. You are the only person I’ve ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the ... Читать далее...
11. Collection 11You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough. If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid. I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. You were the answer ... Читать далее...
12. Collection 14I’ve hated your looks from the stare they gave me. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly? Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more! Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn’t turn out. You could be seen too clearly. So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; ... Читать далее...
13. Slight confusionOne night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A. M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said,»Honey, can you go over ... Читать далее...
14. Collection 02Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others? Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how ... Читать далее...
15. Collection 06We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, «Do not come home and all will be forgiven». You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. I ... Читать далее...
16. Перевод слова pairPair — пара, парные предметы, чета Перевод слова A pair of candlesticks — пара подсвечников pair of gloves — пара перчаток pair of oars — лодка с двумя гребцами Just clear out, the Pair of you! А ну, убирайтесь, вы оба! The company is run by a Pair of brothers. Компанией управляют два брата. She ... Читать далее...
17. Collection 13We know that you would give your life for us. Promise! When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say it was your stupidity. Well, I’ll see you in my dreams — if I eat too much. Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach. ... Читать далее...
18. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
19. Books in Our Life (2)We can’t imagine our life without books. They play a very important part in our life. Books are our friends. We meet them when we are very small and can’t read, but we remember our mother read them for us. We learn very much from books. Books educate people in different spheres of life. They ... Читать далее...
20. Перевод слова policePolice — полиция, полицейский Перевод слова Police car — полицейская машина a police dragnet — полицейская облава police escort — полицейский конвой Quick! Call the Police! Быстро! Вызывайте полицию! He is wanted by the Police. Его разыскивает полиция. Police are now at the scene. Полиция сейчас на месте (преступления)....
21. Значение идиомы pair up[pair up] {v.} 1. To make a pair of; match. When she finishedthe mending, she paired up the socks. 2. To form a pair; to be orbecome one of a pair. Not all the socks would pair up. Joepaired up with Charlie to work on the lesson....
22. Denton Police establishes Internet Purchase Exchange LocationDenton police officers are hoping a new Internet Purchase Exchange Location at the Farmers Market on Salisbury Street will make for safer transactions. Denton police officers are hoping a new Internet Purchase Exchange Location at the Farmers Market on Salisbury Street will make for safer transactions. Denton Police Chief Mark Hicks said his department established ... Читать далее...
23. Being Arrested by the PoliceI was walking down the street Minding my own business one evening when I was stopped by a Police officer. After asking me a couple of questions about where I’d been, he told me to put my hands behind my back. He was going To arrest me! He Handcuffed me and gave me the Miranda ... Читать далее...
24. Значение идиомы in the dark[in the dark] {adj. phr.} 1. In ignorance; without information. John was in the dark about the job he was being sent to. If thegovernment controls the news, it can keep people in the dark on anytopic it chooses. Mary had a letter from Sue yesterday, but shewas left in the dark about Sue’s plans ... Читать далее...
25. Значение идиомы in touch[in touch] {adj. phr.} Talking or writing to each other; giving andgetting news. John kept in touch with his school friends during thesummer. Police anywhere in the U. S. can get in touch instantlywith any other police department by teletype. The man claimed tobe in touch with people on another planet. Compare: KEEP TRACK. Contrast: ... Читать далее...
26. Collection 03Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker. People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of. Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick! We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips ... Читать далее...
27. Collection 16At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people — you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one. You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes. They say that travel broadens ... Читать далее...
28. A girl called the police department and reported thatA girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, «When did this happen?» She replied, «Last week.» The police then asked, «Why did you wait until now to report it?» Well,» she said. «I didn’t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.»...
29. A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get marriedA middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, «Please be gentle… I am still a virgin.» The startled groom says «How can that be? You’ve been married twice…» The bride responds… ... Читать далее...
30. Значение идиомы catch dead[catch dead] {v. phr.}, {informal} To see or hear in an embarrassing act or place at any time. Used in the negative usually in the passive. You won’t catch Bill dead taking his sister to the movies. John wouldn’t be caught dead in the necktie he got for Christmas....
31. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGEGetting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, «Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?» The other replied, ... Читать далее...
32. Перевод слова departmentDepartment — отдел, отделение, кафедра; магазин Перевод слова Department-store chain — сеть крупных универмагов research department — отдел исследований sociology department — кафедра социологии Cooking is not my Department. Кулинария — это не моя область. Our Department has a staff of seven. Персонал нашей кафедры — семь сотрудников. He was selected to head the Department. ... Читать далее...
33. Значение идиомы dead to rights[dead to rights] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Without a chance of escaping blame; proven wrong. Mother had Bob dead to rights, because she caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. The police caught the man dead to rights....
34. Why Jim Smith Lost His First LoveJim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got ... Читать далее...
35. Dealing with troubleA deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The «disturbance» turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, «I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than ... Читать далее...
36. A Movie CollectionSome people collect stamps. Other people collect CDs. I collect movies. I’m a film Buff and I have a Collection of my favorite movies of all time. I usually buy a movie when it comes out on DVD, even if I’ve seen it already On the big screen. I have a High definition TV and ... Читать далее...
37. A blonde walks into the police department looking for a jobA blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think ... Читать далее...
38. How to look busyGenerally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of «business,» there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances. Appearance: You are ... Читать далее...
39. Значение идиомы over one’s dead body[over one’s dead body] {adv. phr.}, {informal} Not having theability to stop something undesirable from taking place. «You willget married at age sixteen over my dead body!» Jane’s father cried....
40. Pet ownersThere’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, ‘Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.’ The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.’ The guy ... Читать далее...