Arriving home very drunk

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1. There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says” Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.” The drunks replies,” I’m sorry I […]...
2. Drunk orders himself a beer A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could […]...
3. A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along […]...
4. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and […]...
5. Top ten signs that you are too drunk 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. […]...
6. Your father is drunk To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why, Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk. He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks, Daddy’s home and […]...
7. There was a drunk man walking down the street turning There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?” The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.” The police officer […]...
8. Driving home very drunk It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before […]...
9. Перевод слова drunk Drunk – пьяный, опьяненный Перевод слова Blind drunk – мертвецки пьяный to get drunk – напиться, упиться drunk with success – опьяненный успехом Are you Drunk? Ты что, пьян? He was beastly Drunk. Он напился как скотина. We got Drunk on wine. Мы опьянели от вина. Интересные факты Слово также является 3-й формой неправильного глагола...
10. I know you were drunk yesterday A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his […]...
11. A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and […]...
12. I just trying to be helpful A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” […]...
13. I get so drunk that I imagine things The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?” “A mongoose.” “What for?” “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. […]...
14. Two drunks walk into a bar Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says “I gotta go use the can.” So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 … 10… 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds him in there and […]...
15. Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me […]...
16. Humor about Drunk Irishmen 2 Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the […]...
17. A push A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to […]...
18. Значение идиомы punch-drunk [punch-drunk] {adj.} 1. Dazed or become dulled in the mind frombeing hit in the head. He was a punch-drunk boxer who made hisliving shining shoes. 2. In a foggy state of mind; groggy. Marywas so thrilled at winning the contest she acted punch-drunk. Markwas punch-drunk for a few minutes after he fell off his bicycle....
19. I think I try a nicer approach Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let […]...
20. Not a foot An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, “Stick it through that curtain.” Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack […]...
21. Where are my pyjamas? A man calls his wife and says to her, “Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?” “Sure, honey,” his wife answers.”Oh, and could you please pack my […]...
22. Being a Stay-at-Home Dad Gladys: Hi, Dan. I’m surprised to see you here at the supermarket in the middle of the day. Dan: Why? Gladys: I thought you’d be working. Dan: I am working. I’m a Stay-at-home dad and I take care of the kids while my wife goes to work. Gladys: Oh, did you get Laid off from […]...
23. A drunk staggered into a cemetery and A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. “Get me out of here”, said the one in the grave, “I’m cold”. The other one looked over the edge and said, “No wonder you’re cold, you poor guy. You don’t have any dirt on […]...
24. On a very cold night On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, “You’ll have to wait.” “But there’s lots of girls that aren’t busy right now.” “Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.” “Listen, I’m pretty desperate. I don’t need a room.” So she takes his money […]...
25. At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by […]...
26. A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, “help, help, I am having a heart attack”, the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run […]...
27. A man gets home early from work A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, […]...
28. A Drunk Scottsman There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. […]...
29. Miles Dobson was away from home on business Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, “Miles, they had your name in the obits today.” “What! In the obituary column! That’s not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I’ll sue ’em.” “Tell me, Miles,” his wife asked tremulously, “wh…wh…where are you calling from?”...
30. Значение идиомы eat one out of house and home [eat one out of house and home] {v. phr.} 1. To eat so much as tocause economic hardship. Our teenaged sons are so hungry all thetime that they may soon eat us out of house and home. 2. To overstayone’s welcome. We love Bob and Jane very much, but after two weekswe started to feel […]...
31. Being hurt A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. […]...
32. A hundred dollars A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. “Out drinking again!?” she says. “How much money did you spend this time?” “$100,” answers the man. “$100!” she shouts. “That’s ridiculous, spending that much in one night!” “Easy for you […]...
33. A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, “You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!” Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, […]...
34. Значение идиомы at home [at home] {adv.} or {adj. phr.} 1. In the place where you live or come from. * I went to his house, but he was not at home. Americans abroad are protected by the government like Americans at home. 2. Knowing what to do or say; familiar; comfortable. Charles and John enjoy working together because […]...
35. Значение идиомы make oneself at home [make oneself at home] {v. phr.} To feel comfortable; act as if youwere in your own home. If you get to my house before I do, helpyourself to a drink and make yourself at home. John was an outdoorman and could make himself at home in the woods at night. Compare: ATEASE, AT HOME....
36. Humor about St. Patrick’s Day Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d […]...
37. Man Hospitalized After Shooting 3 Men Who Broke Into His Home, Wanted To Rape His Granddaughter A grandfather from Lumberton, North Carolina, proved himself a force to be reckoned with after he found himself face to face with three armed men who broke into his home Monday night and allegedly attempted to rape his 19-year-old granddaughter. Kenneth Byrd, 67, and his wife were reportedly at home at around 10 p. m. […]...
38. A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. “Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?” he asked. “An arrow?” the confused driver said. “I didn’t even see the Indians...
39. A henpecked husband A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. “Go home and show her you’re the boss.” The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “From now […]...
40. Wife comes home to find the old man Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. “My God Henry”, she screams, “I know you’ve had other woman but this time you’ve gone too far!” “You may be right” he says, “I think I’m stuck.”...