Arkansas Mother Writes Her Son

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1. State of Arkansas Residency ApplicationState of Arkansas Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse’s Name: Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister ... Читать далее...
2. A mother and her son were flying Southwest AirlinesA mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, «If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?» The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, ... Читать далее...
3. Arkansas Governor ApplicationFirst name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________ Address (where you live): Mother’s name(list also relation, i. e., sister):__________________ Birthdate(yours):____________________ Father’s name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________ Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( ) Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck: Fuzzy Dice( ... Читать далее...
4. In the back woods of ArkansasIn the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, «Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.» ... Читать далее...
5. A man calls his mother in FloridaA man calls his mother in Florida. «Mom, how are you?» «Not too good,»says the mother. «I’ve been very weak.» The son says, «Why are you so weak?» She says, «Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.» The man says, «That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, «Because I didn’t ... Читать далее...
6. What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? An Italian mother says, «If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill you.» A Jewish mother says, «If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill myself.»...
7. A blonde came running home to her motherA blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical. «What’s wrong?» her mum, (another blonde) asked. «My boyfriend’s just dropped me!» wailed the blonde. Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees. «No mum,» the blonde interrupted. «You don’t understand — I can fuck and ... Читать далее...
8. A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughterA mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: «What does the cow say?» Child: «Moooo!» Mother: «Great! What does the cat say?» Child: «Meow.» Mother: «Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?» And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, «Bud.»...
9. About my motherDear Caroline, I hope you’re well and I apologise for not having written before. Unfortunately, I haven’t had a lot of time, I have been busy with lessons at school. Anyway, I have read your message and I have known that you interested by my mother! Ooh, first of all, I want to say that ... Читать далее...
10. A boy comes home from school and tells his motherA boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. «What part?» the mother asked. «I play a Jewish husband,» the boy replied. «Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!»...
11. One day shortly after the birth of their new babyOne day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby ... Читать далее...
12. A family was having dinner on Mother’s DayA family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. «Nothing,» said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. «Seriously, what’s wrong?» «Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids ... Читать далее...
13. Топик «День матери в Англии» (Mother’s Day in England)Словарь Possible [ˈpɒsɪb(ə)l] — возможный; To thank [θæŋk] — благодарить; Everywhere [ˈevrɪ veri] — везде, повсюду; Try to be — стараться. To honor [ˈɒnə(r)] — чествовать; Almost [ˈɔːlməʊst] — почти; America and England celebrate an wonderful holiday. It is Mother`s Day. There is almost the same holiday on the 8th March in Russia. Mother`s Day ... Читать далее...
14. Перевод слова motherMother — мама Перевод слова The loss of his mother — смерть матери foster mother — приемная мать single mother — мать-одиночка Mary pictures her Mother. Мэри очень похожа на мать. He misses his Mother. Он скучает по своей матери. Mother sends her love. Мама передает привет....
15. Delivering a babyA country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he ... Читать далее...
16. Mother’s DayТопик День Матери рассказывает об американском национальном празднике, отмечаемом во второе воскресенье мая. Этот праздник был утвержден Конгрессом США в 1914 году, затем он стал отмечаться в Англии и Германии. День Матери празднуют всей семьей, дома или в ресторане. Mother’s Day comes on the second Sunday in May. It is a day when Americans honour ... Читать далее...
17. Seeing Old FriendsThis is Turning out to be a month for seeing Old friends. I got an email a couple of weeks ago from an old friend from Graduate School. She and her family are visiting L. A. for a week. They plan to see family and to visit old friends. Since she moved out of the ... Читать далее...
18. A mother was teaching her three year old daughterA mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…»And lead us not into temptation», she prayed, ... Читать далее...
19. Mother-in-law burialTwo friends meet each other on the street. «Hello! Where are you coming from?» asked Bill. «Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law» replied Sid. «I’m so sorry!» said Bill, «But why is your face schratched all over?». «It wasn’t so easy!» said Sid, «She put on a ... Читать далее...
20. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her motherOne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, «Why are some of your hairs white, Mom? Her ... Читать далее...
21. A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is bakingA young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says «Look Momma, I’m a white boy.» His mother slaps him hard On the face and says «Boy, go show your Daddy.» The ... Читать далее...
22. Диалог на английском языке с переводом «Между мамой и дочкой/ Between Mother And Daughter»По-английски Перевод на русский Mother: It’s 10am, sleepy head. Are you going to wake up? Мама: Уже 10 часов утра, соня. Ты собираешься просыпаться? Daughter: It’s Sunday, mum. I can sleep as long as I want. Дочка: Но сегодня воскресенье, мам. Я могу спать столько, сколько захочу. Mother: You’re right, but there are certain things ... Читать далее...
23. Free meatIt was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the ... Читать далее...
24. Little Johnny’s mother decided to giveLittle Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, «Johnny. This is where you come from.» Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as «Lucky Johnny.» ... Читать далее...
25. A Mother’s DictionaryBottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing ... Читать далее...
26. An inscription problemAccording to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, «Wash. Biol. Surv.» until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: ... Читать далее...
27. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his motherA young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, «Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.» The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women ... Читать далее...
28. TraditionsA man and a woman got married, and he told her : » since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for ... Читать далее...
29. The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting withThe Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, «I want to be a prostitute.» The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground ... Читать далее...
30. My day offI go to school five days a week, so I have two days off — Saturday and Sunday (I’m lucky, because some other pupils have the only one day off). During the week I am very busy, so I like to have a rest on weekend. I am not an early riser and it is ... Читать далее...
31. A girl runs home to her mother cryingA girl runs home to her mother crying, «I can’t marry Joe! He’s an atheist! He doesn’t believe in God or Jesus or anything! «Don’t worry, Honey,» said her mom. «But Mom, he doesn’t even believe in Hell! «Don’t worry, Honey,» repeated her mom, «you marry him…and we’ll convince him!»...
32. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of HeavenSt. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, «You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.» Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, «St. Peter, I spent ... Читать далее...
33. A little nine year old girl was in church with her motherA little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. «Mommy,» she said. «Can we leave now?» «No,» her mother replied. «Well, I think I have to throw up!» «Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.» ... Читать далее...
34. A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks herA nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: «Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it ... Читать далее...
35. Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one dayFather, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, «Mummy, what is that long thing?» His mother replies, «That, son, ... Читать далее...
36. A mother-daughter conversationA mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it’s like for her. Mom: So….now that you have started dating, what’s it like getting intimate with ... Читать далее...
37. Значение идиомы farm out[farm out] {v.} 1. To have another person do for you;send away to be done. Our teacher had too many test papers to read, so she farmed out half of them to a friend. 2. To send away to betaken care of. While Mother was sick, the children were farmed outto relatives. 3. To send ... Читать далее...
38. A young teenager comes home from schoolA young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, «Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?» «Yes, dear,» replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it. «But then when ... Читать далее...
39. Fun with telemarketersWhat to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I’m sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them ... Читать далее...
40. Prison vs a housewifeIn prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow ... Читать далее...