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1. This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little JohnnyThis guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter’s hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog’s ... Читать далее...
2. One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticedOne fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the ... Читать далее...
3. A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flyingA Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: «Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that ... Читать далее...
4. Перевод слова windyWindy — ветреный; болтливый, пустой Перевод слова Windy weather — ветреная погода windy side — наветренная сторона windy speeches — напыщенные речи windy demagogue — болтливый демагог This week came in very Windy. В начале недели было очень ветрено. He kicked open the doors and stepped out into the Windy night. Ударом ноги он распахнул ... Читать далее...
5. A man went to the doctor for a check upA man went to the doctor for a check up. «How do you feel?» asked the doctor. «Fine.» he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, «How many times do you have sex per month?» «About two or three.» the man replied. «You should be doing better than that.» the doctor ... Читать далее...
6. A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriendA Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. «What’s this,» ... Читать далее...
7. Funny Humor about the IrishThis is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of ... Читать далее...
8. PUPPY LOVEA man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, «Well, son, they’re making a puppy.» The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being ... Читать далее...
9. Michael Jackson and the doctorMichael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, «How long before we can have sex?» The doctor says, «At least wait until he’s walking.»...
10. Fluffy diedThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow ... Читать далее...
11. Перевод слова ThursdayThursday — Четверг Перевод слова He comes every Thursday — он приезжает каждый четверг see you Thursday — увидимся в четверг Holy Thursday — великий четверг (четверг на страстной неделе) We bowl every Thursday. Каждый четверг мы играли в боулинг. He was late last Thursday. Он опоздал в прошлый четверг. Your car will be serviced ... Читать далее...
12. Crazy people talkA doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient ... Читать далее...
13. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-upAn old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, «So how has life been treating you?» The old man replies,»The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when ... Читать далее...
14. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologistA beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, «Do you know what I’m doing?» «Yes,» she replied, ... Читать далее...
15. This man got his prescription for ViagraThis man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, «I’ll be home in an hour.» «Perfect,» she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He ... Читать далее...
16. An elderly couple walk into a doctor officeAn elderly couple walk into a doctor’s office. The man tells the doctor, «Doctor, we want to have a baby.» The doctor replies,»At your age I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample.» So the couple comes back a few days later. ... Читать далее...
17. Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voicesMorris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said ‘N I L’. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky. ... Читать далее...
18. Little MermaidThree fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?» She replied, «no sir!» So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, «Did you like that?» «Oh, indeed I did, ... Читать далее...
19. Doctor and engineerA pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic ... Читать далее...
20. Jokes about Dumb IrishmenThe blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. ... Читать далее...
21. Jon starts working in a lumber campJon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, «We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday.» Jon says, «Why not Thursday?» The boss says, «Because Thursday ... Читать далее...
22. The meaning of lifeA man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, «Do you smoke or drink?» «No,» he replied, «I’ve never done either.» «Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?» inquired the doctor. «No, I’ve never done any of those things either.» «Well ... Читать далее...
23. Constipation problemOld Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. «It’s terrible,» she said, «I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.» «I see. Have you done anything about it?» asked the doctor. «Naturally,» she replied, «I sit in the bathroom for a half — hour in the morning ... Читать далее...
24. Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be doneAunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. «It’s terrible,» she said, «I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.» «I see. Have you done anything about it?» asked the doctor. «Naturally,» she replied, «I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at ... Читать далее...
25. A dubious remedyA man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, «When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.» That same day the man went to the store ... Читать далее...
26. Don’t Forget!An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor ... Читать далее...
27. This businessman was walking down the sidewalkThis businessman was walking down the sidewalk when a jet black van stopped by him. The guys pulled the man inside, stripped him of all his clothes till he was butt naked, threw him back outside, and then slammed the door shut taking off. Five miles later the men look outside and see the businessman ... Читать далее...
28. Manly signs«Doctor, doctor!» shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. «I think I’m turning into a man» then the doctor says, » Now hold on little lady what makes you think that you’re turning into a man?» » Well» said the woman «I’m starting to grow hair on my chest» and then the doctor asked, ... Читать далее...
29. A mute was walking down the street one dayA mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) «Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now.» Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to ... Читать далее...
30. A fortunate twist of fateTwo brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. «How do you account for this?» he asked the brothers. «It’s hereditary, sir,» the older one replied. «I see,» said the doctor, writing in his file. «Your ... Читать далее...
31. An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing homeAn old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. «It did? I’m sorry to hear that,» she replied. Two days later, Mr. ... Читать далее...
32. A life-long city man, tired of the rat raceA life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a ... Читать далее...
33. Three guys were sitting in a bar talkingThree guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; «You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn’t like the ... Читать далее...
34. A man comes to a doctor andA man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, «Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?» «Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!» announces a proud physician, «They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You ... Читать далее...
35. A little girl was walking along a beach in CaliforniaA little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, «What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?» The man said, «Nothing, it’s just a bird, now go away!» The man thought nothing of ... Читать далее...
36. There was a drunk man walking down the street turningThere was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, «Sir, what are you doing?» The drunk replied, «I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys.» The police officer ... Читать далее...
37. A rural Frenchman was on trialA rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, «Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?»...
38. Two nuns are walking down an alleyTwo nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, «Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!» The second one says, «This one does!»...
39. A man went to the doctor to get a physicalA man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news… he had cancer and alzheimers. The man replied, » Well, at least I don’t have cancer»...
40. Missing personRecently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, «He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is ... Читать далее...