You Can Never Really Go Back

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1. An old man and an old woman were sitting An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,”You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked.” The woman said, “Why don’t we try that again?” So they stripped and sat down at the table again. […]...
2. A veterinarian surgeon A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, […]...
3. A young lady had just visited her doctor A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The […]...
4. During WW II an American soldier During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not […]...
5. There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death’s door, and said to her papal neighbour. ‘Father, surely you can do something about this…’ To which the Pope replied, […]...
6. The golf course A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you […]...
7. Having the equipment A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar […]...
8. Doing the right thing Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mum : Well, you have done the right thing. Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap....
9. Nothing changed On the eve of the couple’s tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. “You know honey,” she said, “I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married.” “Yeah?” the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. “I wish to […]...
10. Перевод идиомы divide something fifty-fifty / split something fifty-fifty, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: divide something fifty-fifty / split something fifty-fifty Перевод: разделить что-либо на две равные части Пример: We divided the money that we won fifty-fifty. Мы разделил деньги, которые выиграли, поровну....
11. Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench. The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL! The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke…………….but her arms weren’t quite long enough....
12. Перевод слова honey Honey – мед, сладость, медовый, сладкий Перевод слова To remove honey from a hive – отбирать мед из улья he was all honey – он был приторно любезен honey cake – медовая коврижка honey sweet – сладкий как мед She likes Honey in her tea. Она любит чай с медом. She specializes in Honey bees. […]...
13. Crying about life Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. “Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then […]...
14. The angry wife met her husband at the door The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. “I assume,” she barked, “there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o’clock in the morning?” “There is!” he replied, “Breakfast.”...
15. At The Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat […]...
16. This man was sitting quietly reading his paper This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: “What was that for?” Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written […]...
17. Passing a parrot A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same […]...
18. A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.” The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” […]...
19. A man sat quietly reading his morning paper A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand. Man: “What was that for?” Wife: “Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with “Daisy” written on it?” Man: “Oh honey, […]...
20. Перевод слова fifty Fifty – пятьдесят Перевод слова A man of fifty – пятидесятилетний человек Chapter fifty – пятидесятая глава within a radius of fifty miles – в радиусе пятидесяти миль He is over Fifty. Ему за пятьдесят. The coat was below Fifty dollars! Пальто стоило меньше пятидесяти долларов! He left me a lousy Fifty cent tip. Он […]...
21. This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?” The flattered […]...
22. A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night. The bride rolled over and said, “That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?” The husband replied “Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.” “That’s nice honey” she replied, “What did it look […]...
23. An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this […]...
24. A bus stops and two Italian men get on A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two […]...
25. Little Mermaid Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?” She replied, “no sir!” So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, “Did you like that?” “Oh, indeed I did, […]...
26. A bus conversation A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following; “Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come […]...
27. Значение идиомы fifty-fifty [fifty-fifty ] {adj.}, {informal} 1. Divided or shared equally. It will be a fifty-fifty arrangement; half the money for me and halffor you. 2. Half for and half against; half good and half bad. There is only a fifty-fifty chance that we will win the game. Compare: HALF AND HALF....
28. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates. “Fifty dollars for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”...
29. Перевод слова breakfast Breakfast – завтрак Перевод слова Full breakfast – полноценный завтрак hurried breakfast – завтрак на бегу nutritious breakfast – питательный завтрак I had pancakes for Breakfast. Я ел блинчики на завтрак. We Breakfast at seven. Мы завтракаем в семь. I had toast for Breakfast. На завтрак у меня был поджаренный хлеб....
30. Who’s got a bigger crotch? There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch. The first women said, “My husband can get his whole hand up me”. The second lady said, “My husband can get his whole head up me”. The third lady slid down the bar stool....
31. A delicacy An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, ” […]...
32. It finally dawned “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone […]...
33. One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience. On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each […]...
34. Card games A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, “Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about […]...
35. A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, […]...
36. A little boy and his dad are standing in line A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, “hey dad, look how fat that lady is!” “Shhhh, quiet son, she’ll hear you.” “But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!” “Shhhhhh, don’t say that son, it’s not nice!” […]...
37. Broken leg “How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg. “Well, doc, 25 years ago…” “Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.” “Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d […]...
38. A real bastard A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. “What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?” “It’s mean!”, the boy sniffed, “My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!” “That’s […]...
39. Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, “Who turned on the fucking lights!” “Oh, no sir,” the nearest flight attendant replied. “Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the ‘fucking […]...
40. Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was […]...