Ex-Police car joke

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1. Don’t do while driving We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes. When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also […]...
2. Police chief hates you Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You 10. He sends you on drug raids….alone. 9. He refers to you as “Our Little Mascot.” 8. The job description in your contract includes “crash test dummy” and “pepper-spray test subject.” 7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol. 6. He always tells you that […]...
3. Перевод слова unusual Unusual – необычный, особенный, исключительный Перевод слова Unusual event – необыкновенное событие nothing unusual – ничего особенного unusual occurrences – странные происшествия There is nothing Unusual in it. В этом нет ничего странного. These days it is not Unusual. В ниши дни это не редкость. She has an Unusual name. У нее необычное имя. Происхождение […]...
4. Taking the Driving Test Cesar: I just took the Driving test. See this? That’s my new License. May: You have to give me the Play-by-play. I’m taking the test next week and I’m Freaking out. Cesar: There’s nothing to worry about. It was easy. May: I’m not worried about the written test. It’s the driving test I’m worried about. […]...
5. They are stopped by the police John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.” Just […]...
6. Значение идиомы hit the high spots [hit the high spots] {v. phr.} To consider, mention, or see onlythe more important parts of something such as a book, war, or schoolcourse. In his lecture, the speaker hit the high spots of hissubject. The first course in general science hits only the highspots of the physical sciences. The Bakers went to the fair […]...
7. Police Work Isn’t as Dangerous as You May Think After the senseless death and tragic funerals of two young New York City policeman, cops have got to be thinking about assassination. “I want to go home to my wife and kids,” said a cop to the New York Post.” I am concerned about my safety.” On NBC’s Meet the Press,” NYC Police Commissioner William […]...
8. Перевод слова traffic Traffic – движение, трафик Перевод слова Trunk traffic – междугородное транспортное сообщение to block off traffic – перекрывать движение traffic code – правила дорожного движения The Traffic noise kept me awake. Шум уличного движения не давал мне уснуть. I was delayed by the Traffic. Я опоздал из-за того, что попал в пробку. A five-car pileup […]...
9. Значение идиомы shore patrol [shore patrol] {n.} The police of a navy. The sailors who werefighting in town were arrested by the shore patrol. The shorepatrol was ordered to search every sailor who went on board the ship....
10. The hunting season This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT OWN RISK!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks […]...
11. Hiding from the Police I read an article in the newspaper this morning about a man who had been On the lam for 12 years. He was Wanted by the police because they believed he had committed a murder. But before the man could go to trial, he Bolted and left the country. He has been on the “Most […]...
12. Перевод идиомы go to any length / go to any lengths / go to great lenghts, значение выражения и пример использования Идиома: go to any length / go to any lengths / go to great lenghts Перевод: делать все необходимое; ни перед чем не останавливаться, чтобы выполнить что-либо Пример: The man will go to any length to get what he wants. Этот человек ни перед чем не остановится, чтобы получить то, чего он хочет. I went […]...
13. SCHEDULE OF A MAN A MAN’S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because “alarm didn’t work”. 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while “enjoying” favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at […]...
14. Значение идиомы local yokel [local yokel] {n.}, {slang}, {citizen’s hand radio jargon} Citypolice officer, as opposed to state police or highway patrol. There’s a local yokel westbound on the move....
15. Some police quotes “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift […]...
16. Marines and the police The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles. The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to “cover” him as he approched the store (to police, “cover” means to point your weapons […]...
17. College bar joke When I was in college our RA told us of a good one that (supposedly) some friends had pulled a couple of years earlier. These two guys made up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender, and filled a hot water bottle with it. One of them took the […]...
18. Police officer Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation, Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation. The stockings were hung on the wall with great care, Next to some T-shirts and old underwear. I was working the night shift compiling stats, Answering the phone, and feeding the rat. When all of a sudden […]...
19. Yet another dorm joke Here’s one that my roommate and myself did to a residence buddy. One morning (early) we taped together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover the victims doorframe. Then taped this big sheet over the doorframe which left a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door. Then we […]...
20. An abstract joke Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, “Hey! Come on in! The water’s fine!” One banana turns to the other banana and says, “Do you believe that shit?”...
21. A man went to the police station wishing to speak A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying […]...
22. When asked for her occupation When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red […]...
23. Another ethnic joke A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, “What a Pollack.” The Polish man said, “I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.” […]...
24. A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think […]...
25. Egg joke In a similar vein, tell your victim that you have a test of coordination you would like him to try with you. Find a door with a fairly large crack between the door and the wall when the door is open. (You know, over by the hinges; across the width of the door from the […]...
26. Gas-tank joke This practical joke is hearsay. A fellow student some years ago related the following. Apparently another student was a bit of a braggar. His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got. So it began one evening. Fill up a one-gallon container of gas each night and […]...
27. Cow joke Another Cow joke I attribute to my ‘Ol chemestry prof was the placement of a cow onto the roof. I would presume a fairly storng roof, but once up there it would be hard to hide the fact to the cow that any direction would be down. Another pratical joke involved the use of outhouses. […]...
28. Practical Joke A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn’t have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided tojust go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the […]...
29. Phone joke II One night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won’t recognize your voices is always a good choice. When the person answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that sounds real). Insist that you have the right number […]...
30. Phone joke A few months ago I saw a newspaper clipping which told of a newspaper in Illinois (I think…) which ran a story warning consumers that, on such-and – such day, Illinois Bell would be “blowing the dust out of the phone lines” and that all phone owners should cover the earpiece of their phones with […]...
31. Outhouse joke A few years ago some members of the infamous Dartmouth Outing Club pushed an occupied one-seat outhouse off its foundations, onto its door. The victim tried in vain for a few minutes to roll the entire building onto a different side, but soon gave up, as it was too heavy. She then was forced to […]...
32. A rookie police officer was assigned A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s […]...
33. A police officer came upon a terrible wreck A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at […]...
34. A visual joke (This joke requires the use a small visual. I’ll describe the visual first, then as I tell the joke I’ll cue you when to use it) Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also stretched wide open. Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (use visual) HUNG […]...
35. Texas Police Hit Organic Farm With Massive SWAT Raid A small organic farm in Arlington, Texas, was the target of a massive police action last week that included aerial surveillance, a SWAT raid and a 10-hour search. Members of the local police raiding party had a search warrant for marijuana plants, which they failed to find at the Garden of Eden farm. But farm […]...
36. Значение идиомы come to pass [come to pass] {v. phr.}, {literary} To happen; occur. Strange things come to pass in troubled times. It came to pass that the jailer visited him by night. His hopes of success did not come to pass. Compare: BRING TO PASS, COME ABOUT....
37. Значение идиомы a pretty pass [a pretty pass] {n. phr.} An unfortunate condition; a critical state. While the boss was away, things at the company had come to a pretty pass....
38. College dorm joke Two very hot-headed people lived directly across the halls from each other. Dave got a piece of 1/2″ rope and tied their doors together with about a 6″ gap of slack. Waited until 2:30am and knocked REALLY HARD on both doors. Interesting way to wake up…having two steaming mad football jerks slamming each other’s doors […]...
39. A girl called the police department and reported that A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, “When did this happen?” She replied, “Last week.” The police then asked, “Why did you wait until now to report it?” Well,” she said. “I didn’t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.”...
40. College cafeteria joke Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), […]...