Controlling your spouse

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1. Twenty men die and go to heavenTwenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives. After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first ... Читать далее...
2. Controlling Information to the MediaPablo: Okay everybody, have a seat. The purpose of this meeting is to get everybody On the same page. I’m Passing out the Fact sheet we’ve prepared. This fact sheet gives a Rundown on what has happened To date so that no one is In the dark about our current situation. We’ve also prepared these ... Читать далее...
3. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they wereThree guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and ... Читать далее...
4. A suitable transplantA fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, «Can I help? Have you lost something?» «No,» says one of the doctors. «We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for ... Читать далее...
5. One night, as a couple lay down for bedThis joke sucks…. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, «I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.» The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to ... Читать далее...
6. Childhood DiseasesChildhood Diseases Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. «What happened to you feet?» his wife asked. «I had a childhood disease called tolio.» «Don’t you mean polio?» «No, tolio, it only ... Читать далее...
7. Wife-taming methodTwo married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, «You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. ... Читать далее...
8. Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekendEd, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other. At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, «Wow, unbelievable!» Which woke Ed. «What’s going on?» said Ed. «I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my ... Читать далее...
9. There was a man and woman traveling along in their carThere was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says «Did you know you were speeding back there.» The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband «What did he say, what did ... Читать далее...
10. The wife is not speaking to meOne night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. «What’s the matter?» the bartender asks. «My wife and I got into a fight,» explained the guy «and now she isn’t talking to me for a ... Читать далее...
11. Two senior couples are walking along, wives in frontTwo senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, «Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.» Sam says, «Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?» Herb says, «You’ll going to ... Читать далее...
12. The most painful partA group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, «How is it that you know so much about baseball?» She says, «Well, I ... Читать далее...
13. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-upAn old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, «So how has life been treating you?» The old man replies,»The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when ... Читать далее...
14. ‘Twas the Night After Christmas‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had ... Читать далее...
15. How to call penisAt a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a ... Читать далее...
16. I. R. S. phone callsThe following are actual phone calls made to I. R. S. offices across the United States. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ... Читать далее...
17. I think I try a nicer approachEvery night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let ... Читать далее...
18. A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter dayA man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl friend he’d have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would ... Читать далее...
19. There is a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the MeadowlandsThere’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on ... Читать далее...
20. A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an AustralianA Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, «You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don’t even have a freezer! The Scotsman ... Читать далее...
21. After spending a night at a hotel with a prostituteAfter spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. «Thanks,» she said. «But I only charge $20.» «Twenty bucks for the entire night?» the amazed MP replied. «You can’t make a living on that.» «Oh, don’t worry,» the whore ... Читать далее...
22. This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when heThis fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. «What the hell is your problem?» the lady asked. «I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy,» the man moaned. The lady reached ... Читать далее...
23. Перевод слова quietQuiet — тихий, бесшумный, спокойный, мирный Перевод слова Quiet wind — тихий ветер quiet footsteps — бесшумные шаги quiet sleep — безмятежный сон quiet conscience — чистая совесть Please be Quiet! Потише, пожалуйста! We were enjoying the Quiet of the forest. Мы наслаждались тишиной леса. He led a Quiet life. Он вел тихую жизнь....
24. Got something«Get this.» said the bloke to his mates, «Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. «Did he get anything.» his mates asked. «yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.»...
25. A regular Friday night poker gameA regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. «Roger, listen,» he told the host, «Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.» «OK, that’s it, guys,» Roger said. «This is positively the last deal.»...
26. Значение идиомы hail-fellow-well-met[hail-fellow-well-met ] {adj. phr.} Talking easily and in afriendly way to everyone you meet. John won the election as classpresident because he was hail-fellow-well-met....
27. Значение идиомы on one’s knees[on one’s knees] {adj. phr.} 1. Pleading; begging very hard. Theboys were on their knees for hours before their parents agreed totheir camping plans. The Jacksons won’t contribute to the RedCross unless you get on your knees. 2. In a very weak condition; nearfailure. When the graduates of the school heard that it was on ... Читать далее...
28. Marriage quotes 14This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that ... Читать далее...
29. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a barAn Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, «I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a ... Читать далее...
30. ParalyzedA big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, «Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!» He comes in, takes a look, and says, «Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.»...
31. A wife was berating her husbandA wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, «Don’t unleash the beast in me.» The wife snickered and replied, «Unlike a lot of women, ‘dear’, I’m not the least bit afraid of a mouse.»...
32. Значение идиомы by turns[by turns] {adv. phr.} First one and then another in a regular way; one substituting for or following another according to a repeated plan. On the drive to Chicago, the three men took the wheel by turns. The teachers were on duty by turns. When John had a fever, he felt cold and hot by ... Читать далее...
33. Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wivesTwo buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. «Does your wife ever… well, you know… does she… well, let you do it doggie style?» asked one of the two. «Well, not exactly,» his friend replied, «She’s into the dog trick aspect of it.» «Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?» «Well… not exactly. More like ... Читать далее...
34. Ten Signs That You’re At A Bad Zoo1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino ... Читать далее...
35. I was out with one of my best drinking buddiesI was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, «Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is… well… my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs… she’s hardly ever in the mood for sex… I guess what ... Читать далее...
36. Time for the weddingA police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. «But officer,» the man began, «I can explain.» «Just be quiet,» snapped the officer. «I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.» «But, officer, I just wanted to say,» «And I said to keep quiet! You’re ... Читать далее...
37. Перевод слова fellowFellow — человек, парень, тип; товарищ, собрат Перевод слова A fellow can’t work all day long — не может же человек работать весь день jolly fellow — веселый малый fellows at school — товарищи по школе Oh, isn’t he a duck of a Fellow? Не правда ли, он просто прелесть? A tight Fellow! Хороший парень! ... Читать далее...
38. Is this really your third marriage?Sure is. What happened to your first two wives? They died. How did your first wife die? She ate some poisonous mushrooms. What about your second wife? She died from a severe skull fracture. How did she get a skull fracture? She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms....
39. Why lawyers should never ask a witness a questionWhy lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, «Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?» She responded, «Why, yes I do know ... Читать далее...
40. Devil herselfA fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the ... Читать далее...