Controlling your spouse

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1. Childhood Diseases Childhood Diseases Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. “What happened to you feet?” his wife asked. “I had a childhood disease called tolio.” “Don’t you mean polio?” “No, tolio, it only […]...
2. Controlling Information to the Media Pablo: Okay everybody, have a seat. The purpose of this meeting is to get everybody On the same page. I’m Passing out the Fact sheet we’ve prepared. This fact sheet gives a Rundown on what has happened To date so that no one is In the dark about our current situation. We’ve also prepared these […]...
3. The wife is not speaking to me One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks. “My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a […]...
4. Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and […]...
5. A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl friend he’d have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would […]...
6. A suitable transplant A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, “Can I help? Have you lost something?” “No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for […]...
7. A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. “Get a load of her” said the mouse, “what a babe!” “Well, why not try your luck?” replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes […]...
8. ‘Twas the Night After Christmas ‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had […]...
9. Got something “Get this.” said the bloke to his mates, “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. “Did he get anything.” his mates asked. “yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”...
10. This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he This fellow was screwing his best friend’s wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. “What the hell is your problem?” the lady asked. “I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy,” the man moaned. The lady reached […]...
11. What Not to Name Your Dog Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog “Sex”. When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said “I’d like one too.” But then I said “This is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked […]...
12. This fellow comes to confession This fellow comes to confession. “Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.” The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?” “I lusted,” the fellow replied. “Tell me about it,” the priest said. The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in […]...
13. The most painful part A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, “How is it that you know so much about baseball?” She says, “Well, I […]...
14. Dealing with criminals A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. “You just won’t believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.” “Oh yes dear, what happened?” “I came across two guys down by the canal, one […]...
15. As US tourists in Israel As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the […]...
16. Saving the situation After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What the hell happened?” “As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,” replied the wife. “Piss on him,” answered the husband. “You did,” said the wife, “and he fired […]...
17. Armando asks Armando went to his neighbor and asked, “Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?” “No,” says Carlos. Armando asks, “Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?” “No,” says Carlos. “Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so […]...
18. This man was having problems getting it up to have sex This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife’s pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his […]...
19. A dubious remedy A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store […]...
20. On a cross-country bus trip On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy due to motion sickness. She make her way to the restroom, only to find it locked. She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to fight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right and threw up on […]...
21. A cure for a headache Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. “I’ve got a beaut cure for a headache,” said his mate Trev. “Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.” A week went by and they were […]...
22. There is a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands There’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on […]...
23. I think I try a nicer approach Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let […]...
24. A push A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to […]...
25. After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. “Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.” “Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied. “You can’t make a living on that.” “Oh, don’t worry,” the whore […]...
26. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored […]...
27. Once some boys got together to play poker Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack. All his friends didn’t know how […]...
28. A regular Friday night poker game A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. “Roger, listen,” he told the host, “Walter’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.” “OK, that’s it, guys,” Roger said. “This is positively the last deal.”...
29. Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible Mary went to Jill’s place to tell her about a horrible experience she’d had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. “Well, what happened when you got there?” Jill asked “The bastard called me a slut!” Mary said. “And what did you do then?” Jill asked, shocked. “I told him to get the […]...
30. A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, […]...
31. Two young girls were talking about their sex lives Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, “Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep for a week.” “What happened.” Says her intrigued friend. “I didn’t know what I was going to […]...
32. Значение идиомы on one’s knees [on one’s knees] {adj. phr.} 1. Pleading; begging very hard. Theboys were on their knees for hours before their parents agreed totheir camping plans. The Jacksons won’t contribute to the RedCross unless you get on your knees. 2. In a very weak condition; nearfailure. When the graduates of the school heard that it was on […]...
33. Значение идиомы hail-fellow-well-met [hail-fellow-well-met ] {adj. phr.} Talking easily and in afriendly way to everyone you meet. John won the election as classpresident because he was hail-fellow-well-met....
34. Диалог на английском языке с переводом “Things got out of hand” Cara Кара Hey, Lynne. How was the party last night? Привет, Лин. Как прошла вчера вечеринка? Lynne Лин At first, it was great. Поначалу все было отлично. Cara Кара Then what happened? А потом что? Lynne Лин Some guys started to fight, and then Things really got out of hand. Какие-то парни затеяли драку, а […]...
35. Paralyzed A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”...
36. Reward for goodness Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, […]...
37. Marriage quotes 14 This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. – Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that […]...
38. Значение идиомы reach for the sky [reach for the sky] {v. phr.}, {slang} 1. To put your hands highabove your head or be shot. – Usually used as a command. A holdupman walked into a gas station last night and told the attendant “Reachfor the sky!” Syn.: HANDS UP. 2. To set one’s aims high. “Whymedical technician?” asked her father. “Reach […]...
39. I was out with one of my best drinking buddies I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, “Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is… well… my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs… she’s hardly ever in the mood for sex… I guess what […]...
40. Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two’gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with […]...