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1. Ghost sex At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up. “OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with […]...
2. Eat oysters A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach. “What did you eat for dinner last night?” asked the doctor. “Oysters,” she said. “Fresh oysters?” asked the doctor. “How should I know?” said the lady “Well,” asked the doctor, “couldn’t you tell when you took off the shells?” “My Gosh,” gasped the […]...
3. Перевод слова lover Lover – любовник, любитель Перевод слова Impetuous lover – пылкий любовник lover of the antique – любитель античности to take a lover – завести любовника to jilt a lover – бросить любовника The woman gave up her Lover to save her marriage. Женщина порвала с любовником ради сохранения брака. An affectionate Lover of venerable antiquity. […]...
4. Getting a Second Opinion Greg: Where are you going? Anne: I’m going to see another doctor to get a Second opinion. My doctor Diagnosed me with a serious Medical condition and I don’t want To take it at face value. Greg: You’re Second-guessing your doctor? Anne: No, I just want to make sure he’s right. He’s also recommending a […]...
5. Marriage quotes 11 My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one […]...
6. Значение идиомы matter-of-fact [matter-of-fact] {adj.} 1. Simply telling or showing the truth; notexplaining or telling more. The newspaper gave a matter-of-factaccount of the murder trial. 2. Showing little feeling or excitementor trouble; seeming not to care much. When Mary’s father died sheacted in a very matter-of-fact way. He was a very matter-of-factperson....
7. The story with the moral In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.” There was a fish in the water […]...
8. Значение идиомы lovers’ lane [lovers’ lane] {n.} A hidden road or walk where lovers walk or parkin the evening. A parked car in a lonely lovers’ lane often is achance for holdup men....
9. Traditions A man and a woman got married, and he told her : ” since you are my wife you should respect my traditions and habits…and i have 3 traditions. So, first tradition: On wednesdays i play football with my friends…no matter what..whether it snows or it rains…i dont care..i play football!! -Is it clear for […]...
10. A serious condition A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said […]...
11. Some problems A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says: “I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.” “What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I’ll love it. It’s my child and I’ll love it […]...
12. Think quality A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip. And, there were still 5 […]...
13. Don’t you just hate it when Don’t you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you’re sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?...
14. A man is driving down the road for a long period of time A man is driving down the road for a long period of time. During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says,”Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception. […]...
15. An old woman came into her doctors office An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. “I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?” “Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three […]...
16. An Other one Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’ A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s […]...
17. It’s dark in here A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there […]...
18. Междометия на английском 1. Shame on you! – как тебе не стыдно! 2. Yippee – ура! 3. God forbid! – Боже упаси! 4. Gee! – ух ты! 5. You bet – еще как; да, конечно! 6. No way! – ни в коем случае! 7. Phew – фу!, уф! (выражает нетерпение, омерзение, дискомфорт, усталость) 8. Gosh – боже!, черт […]...
19. Taking Prescription Drugs Paula: Okay, I’m off to bed. Marcus: Wait a second. Where are you going with all of those Pill bottles? Paula: My doctor Prescribed a couple of Medications to help me sleep. Marcus: Let me see those. You have four different medications here. This is a Painkiller, this is a Sedative, this is a Tranquilizer, […]...
20. Восклицания по-английски. Коротко и емко! Shame on you! – ай-ай-ай! Yippee – ура! God forbid! – Боже упаси! gee! – ух ты! you bet – еще как; да, конечно; no way! – ни в коем случае! Phew – фу!, уф! (выражает нетерпение, омерзение, дискомфорт, усталость) Gosh – боже!, черт возьми! by gosh! – черт возьми! Cheers – за ваше здоровье!, […]...
21. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, “So how has life been treating you?” The old man replies,”The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when […]...
22. My heart set A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, “All right, let’s check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and […]...
23. This man goes into the doctor with his This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now. Doctor: “What happened to you?” He says: “I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!” Doctor: “But I don’t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn’t cause that much damage!” He says “Aah […]...
24. Love to Death A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments – lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, […]...
25. A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” And he then charged […]...
26. Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, […]...
27. A man went to the doctor for a check up A man went to the doctor for a check up. “How do you feel?” asked the doctor. “Fine.” he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, “How many times do you have sex per month?” “About two or three.” the man replied. “You should be doing better than that.” the doctor […]...
28. Значение идиомы in fact [in fact] also [in point of fact] {adv. phr.} Really truthfully. – Often used for emphasis. No one believed it but, in fact, Mary didget an A on her book report. It was a very hot day; in fact, itwas 100 degrees. Compare: MATTER OF FACT....
29. A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor. He says “Doctor, I want to put her on the pill.” The Doctor says “Why?!? Is she sexually active?” The guy says “Nah, she just lies there like her mother.” Sent by soh...
30. A man calls his family doctor A man calls his family doctor: Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit. Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I’ll try to help. Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don’t cure her....
31. A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks. “It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor. “Oh my God” says the man. “What are you […]...
32. A man walks into a doctor office A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”...
33. A man comes to a doctor and A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” “Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You […]...
34. Значение идиомы make no bones [make no bones] {v. phr.}, {informal} 1. To have no doubts; not toworry about right or wrong; not to be against. – Used with “about”. Bill makes no bones about telling a lie to escape punishment. Theboss made no bones about hiring extra help for the holidays. 2. Tomake no secret; not keep from talking; […]...
35. Where lawers come from An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”...
36. Doctor’s compliment A lady came to see a doctor because of sharp pain in her stomack. After examining his patient doctor gave out the diagnosis: – Madam, you have acute appendicitis. – Thank you, Doctor, but I came to be treated not admired....
37. An elderly couple walk into a doctor office An elderly couple walk into a doctor’s office. The man tells the doctor, “Doctor, we want to have a baby.” The doctor replies,”At your age I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample.” So the couple comes back a few days later. […]...
38. A construction worker goes to the doctor and says A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.” The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.” The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a […]...
39. In the back woods of Arkansas In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” […]...
40. The meaning of life A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?” “No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor. “No, I’ve never done any of those things either.” “Well […]...